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Dating 7 months and no i love you If You’re Not Saying ‘I Love You’ After Six Months, Move On

Dating 7 months and no i love you Luminescence dating in archaeology anthropology and geoarchaeology If You're Not Saying 'I Love You' After Six Months, Move On -

Dating 7 months and no i love you Mark Radcliffe explains how “good enough” is the enemy of great love. If You're Not Saying 'I Love You' After Six Months, Move On -

I have a simple theory about the world. The reason why more people aren’t ending up in wildly enthusiastic relationships is simply due to one thing: they’re not getting out of bad relationships soon enough. They stay in something “ok” for months and even years on end, preferring the safety of mediocrity to the angst of loneliness. In the end, they fail to make space in their lives for the right person because there’s no room.

In the creative arts, there is a saying: “Good is the enemy of great.” And I’d say the same applies to relationships. A “great” one won’t come your way unless you’re willing to pass on the ones that are merely “good.”

So this is a simple plea: demand strong feelings from your relationship. Demand awe and inspiration–not all the time, but at least with some regularity. Do. Not. Settle. If you’re not saying aloud (or at least to yourself) “I love you” to your mate in 6 months or less, hit the “next” button. Have the courage to believe that something better is out there. (Hell, I think you might even be able to know sooner than that, but I’m trying to be reasonable here.)

And I know some people take issue with this, saying they were dating three years (or more) before they truly fell in love, and now they’ve been together 40 years now, blah, blah, blah. And I don’t deny that can happen, too. But what happens a lot more often is people who are in limbo for years simply get married because they feel they can’t “waste” the 5 years they’ve been together by splitting up now, and instead go on to waste ten more miserable years together being in an incompatible relationship they don’t have the courage to get out of.

When true love strikes, it doesn’t take long to recognize it.

When everything clicks, there is very little doubt in your mind. Its laser-accurate clarity will envelope you. Calm you. Inspire you.

♦◊♦

Now, this theory of high standards has to apply to yourself as well—don’t settle for a mediocre version of yourself if you want to attract an amazing mate. Be someone who chases their dreams, if you want that characteristic in your mate. Be someone who brings as much to the table as you expect from them. If you want someone who lives passionately, has an interesting, fulfilling career, has tons of hobbies, fills the room with their personality and inspires other through their actions, then you need to be that kind of person, too.

This is where many of us fall short. We settle for mediocrity in ourselves and yet expect to end up with Leonardo DiCaprio or Keira Knightley. The classic “double-standard.”

If the double standard doesn’t apply to you, it’s possible you have too much patience. No one wants to be too judgmental. Part of being an adult is being tolerant and accepting of others’ flaws. But many of us just stay in something “good” for too long, hoping it will eventually blossom into something mind-blowing. But it doesn’t. It just says “good.”

From what I’ve seen in couples who’ve found “the one,” it usually doesn’t take years to realize. It’s somewhat early – usually in the first year, and sometimes in the first few weeks. If you’re the right kind of person, who’s done the necessary work on themselves, then you’ll know very quickly. Assuming they’re also worthy of you.

And if you’re not saying “I love you,” it’s not a tragic ending. It just means you could probably do better. And should. Which is why you owe it to both of you to move on, and give each other room to find a better match. The problem we’ve gotten into as a culture is that we feel like we don’t have the right to break up with someone if they haven’t done anything morally incomprehensible.

But you don’t have to wait until someone cheats on you to break up with them. You can simply leave if your heart isn’t fully engaged. (At least while you’re just dating—being married and raising kids together, yes, you need to stick around and give it every shot you can unless you’ve suffered too much to stomach any more.) You can exit if you simply feel, “Hey, I like you. We’re having a ‘nice’ time. The sex is even pretty decent. But I want more. I deserve to feel more. And so do you.”

And that’s the guilt-relieving part of my argument; you’re helping them find someone better, too. Because chances are there’s someone else out there who’s a better match for them than you are, too. You both just need to keep exploring.

Because I believe the American divorce rate isn’t due to people who were passionately in love but just drifted apart (although that happens, too). I believe it’s more due to people who just never should have been married in the first place. And then finally admitted at age 49 what they probably should have admitted at age 24 when they’d only been dating 3 yrs.

♦◊♦

Guy, girl, gay, straight, whatever: If it’s love you want, give your venture enough time to have a chance to flourish, but just as a venture capitalist doesn’t make unconditionally investments forever, pull your money at some point if you’re not seeing enough return on your contributions.

Because there’s plenty of other things out there to invest your time in. You just have to let go of the current one to see them.

But here’s the biggest reason to move on, and the one most of us are least aware of: right now there’s something better that might be available to you that will not be able to enter your life because you look “content.” You already have someone at your side, so there’s a “No Vacancy” sign above your head diverting anyone who might be interested in you. You don’t know what you’re missing out on. You think the only option you have is the one in your hands, but it’s not. That’s just the only option you can see right now.

What would happen if those other options knew you were single? If they knew you were unhappy in that “thing” they saw you in? If there was finally an empty space next to you at the bar that they could slip into and chat you up?

You won’t know, until you say no to “good” in order to make room for “great.”

Also read:

Marriage and dating articles 2015 australia

My husband has joined dating sites

photo: Flickr/Online dating in santa fe new mexico

About Mark Radcliffe

Mark Radcliffe is a writer living in New York City. He has a weakness for bourbon, jazz and girls who can drive stick. You can read more of his essays here: Wealthy online dating sites in india without payment and Wealthy online dating sites reviews 2015.

Comments

  1. Really like this. Also- you have to have compatibility in life goals and world views. You can have all of that passion, love and spark! And it feels amazing! But if you want kids and your partner doesn’t; if you are a devout believer in God and want it part of your life and your partner is a staunch atheist; if you want to travel the world and your partner doesn’t ….. love and passion won’t fix any of this. It’s difficult to see the differences during the falling in love stage. Love is blind. Exercise caution during the dopamine stage- which usually means—- seek your best friends’ assistance who will see things more clearly and have your best interests at heart to give you sound advice and support.

  2. Working to create awe and passionate are what needs to be done. I see too many people not satisfied in their current relationships because the keep looking over that hill for greener pastures. The next best thing. Social media makes it so easy to do. People want constant instant gratification. It’s unrealistic. Relationships ebb and flow…

  3. Diz says:

    I’m just trying to get laid while keeping things friendly.

  4. Lucy says:

    “If you want someone who lives passionately, has an interesting, fulfilling career, has tons of hobbies, fills the room with their personality and inspires other through their actions, then you need to be that kind of person, too”…. It’s depressing to read that the author sets this kind of personality as being the one we should all aim for. Our current culture emphasises the successful extrovert as the ideal, as the person we all want to be/fall in love with. Maybe the author has got it wrong… That if you’re not feeling the shine of being around someone with this kind of personality then you’re probably not in love. In that time you overlook those people who are quiet, introverted, deep thinkers. You strive for the outward personality traits and don’t seek out integrity, honesty and understanding… Traits that actually can support love when the sparkles wear off.

    • Solange says:

      I fully agree with you. It would be really sad to think that I can’t be loved unless I meet all those criteria — as if I have to be this boisterous, attention-seeking, party-going, bungee-jumping, motorcycle-riding, world-traveling, orphan-adopting, electric guitar-playing, endangered rhino brain surgeon in order to have a truly loving relationship.

  5. Julie says:

    great article!

  6. says:

    You were articulate. Factual. I enjoyed it.

  7. says:

    I truly believe how a relationship starts, it sets the groundwork on the rest of the relationship. If it starts amazing it can be continue to be amazing as long as the couple keeps things fresh and laugh a lot ! And one of my favorite quotes is from a book people would never think would come in. It’s a quote from The Game (not an amazing book but interesting enough). It says that love can come in and last for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, and maybe longer but when it comes fully accept it, and when it’s gone be happy that you got to experience it. Great article !

    – Ruben J. (NewDarkTriad.com)

  8. Juanita says:

    Wow…what a great article. I’ve shared it with all my single friends–male & female alike!! I, for one am holding out for GREAT!!

  9. says:

    I enjoyed your article but in my situation it was a matter of WHAT THE F’CK HAVE I DONE? You see after a few weeks I was noticing very disturbing things. It started the morning of the wedding when we found out that my future was being released from the State mental hospital so that he could attend the wedding. Over the next three weeks I was constantly noticing all kinds of unusual behaviors; especially an extremely icy mother-in-law. But because I had been thoroughly indoctrinated in “Men take care of their responsibilities” mindset. So instead of running like I should have I stayed married to an INSANE wife. Not weird, or quirky but insane. Remember the apple don’t fall far from the tree! No one can be in a relationship with an insane person and not be damaged. My ex-wife was raised by two insane people, I now have PTSD! So if you get in a situation that doesn’t feel right RUN! There are plenty of places to get help. Ironically for me my ex started to throw up a spouse abuse shelter in my face. After I talked for a while with one of their therapists he told me I had PTSD from over ten years of abuse! Don’t be like me! Run!!!!!

  10. says:

    I agree with you and disagree. Yes, we should “demand awe and inspiration,” but you can have that without love. And absolutely you should never feel that you need to marry because you will have wasted years if you don’t. But there’s something about “settle” that gets people upset, as does “good enough.”
    Research shows that couples who have matched expectations have satisfying, fulfilling marriages. Not great love or lust, but matched expectations. So if a person couples consciously with a partner who has the same expectations and goals, their union will be a good one. Does that mean you’re “settling”? No, not really. It means you’re being clear about what you want the marriage to be like and accomplish.
    In my research, I heard from women all over the world who are in arranged marriages (not forced, but arranged); there is no pronouncement of love in the first 6 or so months. Their definition of love is not the fairy-tale romantic version most Americans have; one woman told me that when you see your husband working every day to support his family and care for his children, that’s love.
    Romantic love is a tricky, roller coaster of an emotion; it’s way too fragile to build a long-term partnership on, especially if you plan to have kids, who need their parents to hold it together and co-parent well for 18 years. Love causes conflict, disappointments and dashed expectations, and “fell out of love” is a common cause of divorce (among others).
    It isn’t settling to partner with someone who is shares your vision of the world. If we want people to couple consciously, they need to explore what love means to them, what it looks like and how it needs to be expressed because we don’t all have the same definition of love. Telling people there’s someone “better out there” for them is dicey. There may not be, but that doesn’t mean they should stay in a bad relationship.

    • silke says:

      Well said.

    • Marie says:

      I agree. Romantic love is just one level and while passion is important, a lot of people miss out on real partnership and true devotion because they are so busy looking for that magical fairy tale.

    • Mert says:

      agree with you. love isn’t something “certain”, but an undefined and bottomless emotion. we cannot generalize the love in any condition and it’s all about how you feel at that moment.

      it’s kinda like “losing weight” to me; you have your aim in the very beginning and while trying to reach there you check yourself in the mirror. if you’re okay with the appearance that you got, it’s already been accomplished whether you hit the “weight” that you started for… one cannot know when and how love will make him/her feel that it’s there.

  11. Slavica says:

    What a brilliant, brilliant article Mark, many thanks for contributing this content. For some reason, it was just the reminder I needed to read today, so thanks a million!

  12. says:

    Right on the money! How fun that you even use the “No Vacancy” idea; I tell clients all the time – an available man won’t be interested in a “partial” vacancy, which is what you’ve got with this man in your life who is not the right fit. Great article!

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