This post was written before the Creating a dating site for free in usa military outing that recently happened. I was personally thrilled by the ultimatum given to the company, because offering illicit escapades to a married person having marriage trouble is like offering wine to an alcoholic.
The first reaction in your mind is self-protective, accompanied by fear. When you discover your husband using online dating sites, you will automatically imagine the worst, that he is following through and meeting other women.
Your mind will tell you your whole life is threatened. And when anyone is threatened, they tend to react. Reacting means not thinking. Reactions, as you recall from biology, are instinctive responses with one purpose: to save your life.
His actions may not be so disastrous. It’s not my job to sugarcoat (I was referred to as the “iron fist” by some clients), so don’t get ahead of me. I want you to have good quality information. Here are the possibilities:
- Your husband might just be “looking.” Of course he shouldn’t be, but men see sex and women very differently than you do. He may be testing his male magnetism for egotistical purposes.
- Your husband may desire an online romance. Some men resign themselves to a marriage that feels more like a trap, but they would never end their marriage because of a sense of obligation.
- Your husband may wish to have an affair. The mind can be tricky, and some men imagine it will work out if they live two simultaneous lives. There are too many urban myths and TV shows that support this idea. It’s a perfect example of having your cake and eating it too. It cannot be done.
- Your husband is ready to bail, but wants someone to have him first. Usually men who are on the verge of bailing have already met someone, so you won’t find them on an online dating site.
What not to do: The first thing you will want to do is confront him, and you are probably wondering how to do this best. If you want to keep him, you want him to confess his sins and change his ways.
As a “victim” of what you consider egregious anti-you behavior, you consider you are well within the boundaries of “being right” to expect a confession and change. Unfortunately, that will never happen.
If you bust him, he may do what he thinks you expect, but just to dodge any more consequences. But, it will NEVER initiate a change in his current frustrations that got him on the wrong road to begin with. Nor will your marriage become happy because he was busted. It’s not like his justification becomes less useful for his escape.
So, bottom line is: Don’t let him know you know.
Think about this error as him masturbating, but on steroids. If he caught you masturbating, you would be humiliated, and this likely falls into the same category.
I know many experts would advise differently, but those same experts are not good at saving marriages. They would rather prove some irrelevant point. They would put saving your “dignity” over saving your marriage. You wouldn’t be searching for help if you wanted to end your marriage. You would be searching for divorce lawyers.
Time To Choose
Your husband didn’t do what he did because he hates you. If that were the case, or if he were mad as hell at you, he would have helped you catch him, and he would have dropped hints at what he’d been doing. A husband using dating sites can hide or expose it.
But chances are he is still hoping his marriage, your marriage, will miraculously become a marriage he loves to be in. Right now he is clearly not in a happy place. So, you can choose to go with the idiot “experts” who get you to confront and destroy, or you can decide you want your marriage to survive and improve. It’s your call.
Confront and destroy or survive and improve are the only two real options. The other choice, do nothing, is going to bring you down the road of destruction. Obviously, that’s where it’s currently headed.
I vote for improve and don’t give up. That’s because I have seen many marriages succeed, including with wives that other marriage experts refused to work with.
You can do it. You can have the marriage you should have and the marriage your husband delights in. But don’t imagine it will take both of you, or he has to participate. It’s all on you.
Women are the leaders in marriage. Women have the power in marriage. But women have to learn what their power is and how to use it. You won’t get much from a blog, but I want you to have enough information to begin heading in the right direction.
- Stop being non-user friendly. In every way, shape, and form, cut out the criticism, complaining, and expectations.
- Become more loving. In ways he wants you to be, and don’t start questioning him because he will tell you you’re fine. He doesn’t think you can do better or be sincere.
- Start paying attention to his sexual needs. Clearly, if he were satisfied, he would not be looking (not always true, but usually) online. But if you are persistent and loving in your advances, you’ll see what he wants and needs.
Last but not least, make up your mind that you will learn enough about him, and marriage, to have the best marriage on the planet. In a few words: Don’t give up!