Just found out my fiance is on internet dating sites What Should I Do If I Find My Husband Using Dating Sites?

This post was written before the Creating a dating site for free in usa military outing that recently happened. I was personally thrilled by the ultimatum given to the company, because offering illicit escapades to a married person having marriage trouble is like offering wine to an alcoholic.

The first reaction in your mind is self-protective, accompanied by fear. When you discover your husband using online dating sites, you will automatically imagine the worst, that he is following through and meeting other women.

husband using dating site
Why Is My Husband On A Dating Site?

Your mind will tell you your whole life is threatened. And when anyone is threatened, they tend to react. Reacting means not thinking. Reactions, as you recall from biology, are instinctive responses with one purpose: to save your life.

His actions may not be so disastrous. It’s not my job to sugarcoat (I was referred to as the “iron fist” by some clients), so don’t get ahead of me. I want you to have good quality information. Here are the possibilities:

  • Your husband might just be “looking.” Of course he shouldn’t be, but men see sex and women very differently than you do. He may be testing his male magnetism for egotistical purposes.
  • Your husband may desire an online romance. Some men resign themselves to a marriage that feels more like a trap, but they would never end their marriage because of a sense of obligation.
  • Your husband may wish to have an affair. The mind can be tricky, and some men imagine it will work out if they live two simultaneous lives. There are too many urban myths and TV shows that support this idea. It’s a perfect example of having your cake and eating it too. It cannot be done.
  • Your husband is ready to bail, but wants someone to have him first. Usually men who are on the verge of bailing have already met someone, so you won’t find them on an online dating site.

What not to do: The first thing you will want to do is confront him, and you are probably wondering how to do this best. If you want to keep him, you want him to confess his sins and change his ways.

As a “victim” of what you consider egregious anti-you behavior, you consider you are well within the boundaries of “being right” to expect a confession and change. Unfortunately, that will never happen.

If you bust him, he may do what he thinks you expect, but just to dodge any more consequences. But, it will NEVER initiate a change in his current frustrations that got him on the wrong road to begin with. Nor will your marriage become happy because he was busted. It’s not like his justification becomes less useful for his escape.

So, bottom line is: Don’t let him know you know.

Think about this error as him masturbating, but on steroids. If he caught you masturbating, you would be humiliated, and this likely falls into the same category.

I know many experts would advise differently, but those same experts are not good at saving marriages. They would rather prove some irrelevant point. They would put saving your “dignity” over saving your marriage. You wouldn’t be searching for help if you wanted to end your marriage. You would be searching for divorce lawyers.

Time To Choose

Your husband didn’t do what he did because he hates you. If that were the case, or if he were mad as hell at you, he would have helped you catch him, and he would have dropped hints at what he’d been doing. A husband using dating sites can hide or expose it.

But chances are he is still hoping his marriage, your marriage, will miraculously become a marriage he loves to be in. Right now he is clearly not in a happy place. So, you can choose to go with the idiot “experts” who get you to confront and destroy, or you can decide you want your marriage to survive and improve. It’s your call.

Confront and destroy or survive and improve are the only two real options. The other choice, do nothing, is going to bring you down the road of destruction. Obviously, that’s where it’s currently headed.

I vote for improve and don’t give up. That’s because I have seen many marriages succeed, including with wives that other marriage experts refused to work with.

You can do it. You can have the marriage you should have and the marriage your husband delights in. But don’t imagine it will take both of you, or he has to participate. It’s all on you.

Women are the leaders in marriage. Women have the power in marriage. But women have to learn what their power is and how to use it. You won’t get much from a blog, but I want you to have enough information to begin heading in the right direction.

  1. Stop being non-user friendly. In every way, shape, and form, cut out the criticism, complaining, and expectations.
  2. Become more loving. In ways he wants you to be, and don’t start questioning him because he will tell you you’re fine. He doesn’t think you can do better or be sincere.
  3. Start paying attention to his sexual needs. Clearly, if he were satisfied, he would not be looking (not always true, but usually) online. But if you are persistent and loving in your advances, you’ll see what he wants and needs.

Last but not least, make up your mind that you will learn enough about him, and marriage, to have the best marriage on the planet. In a few words: Don’t give up!

Just found out my fiance is on internet dating sites 103 thoughts on “What Should I Do If I Find My Husband Using Dating Sites?” What Should I Do If I Find My Husband Using Dating Sites?

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I’ve already told me him I no and deleted what I found on his fb n phone… He tells me I had no right to look n deleted, he had been talking to someone he he left me for over a year ago n I helped him get off the street because of her. Now he tells me to F off n he out the front in his car… This online flirting keeps going in and on, I’m working 2 jobs to support us, he hardly even trying to get a job. He wouldn’t promise to stop online dating or texting or even be apologetic. He got really mad at me…. Why now what?

  1. What to do if your friend is dating your crush

As it stands now there are enough things going on to keep you crazy for a life time! If there are no children in the mix your’s is a great example of a relationship that has been over for some time, and he used you when
he needed you. If there are children in the mix your situation is a challenge, for sure.

Either way, it sounds like you are still living together so I will share some basic information with you.

1. Anything you do to let him know you are angry is not going to do anything one would consider “positive”. You may be “right”, but he has justified all his behaviors, and nobody can get through to him. He, and all of us, learn in our own time and in our own way.

2. If you choose to continue your relationship it will take a lot of patience and effort to get to a normal place. It is clear your relationship was never THAT good, because if it were he never would have cheated on you. If you study marriage like anything else that is important to you, you will be fine. Otherwise you will go from one problem to another.

3. You cannot change someone, or make them love you. But you can become more approachable by being more loving. It is always good, even when you do not get what you want.

Stay in touch if we can help more.

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  • Why is it called catfish dating
  • I read your article. Obviously written by a man ? Right? It was an interesting take on things… Don’t do anything ? Huh? Too late. I am 6 months into my new marriage, recently discovered my husband has been on a sex dating site. He joined it 3 days after our honeymoon… Woah low blow… I know our marriage is not perfect and yes I understand men like to look but that’s not porn… It’s meet a slag, have sex no complications!!! Hmmm
    I confronted him, his reason it wasn’t working anyway between us! FFS really??
    I kicked him out of the house… Don’t think I should have waited… Why to give further reign to move onto affairs.. Wrong or right I felt better confronting him, I am glad he is gone and if he thinks the grass is better well so be it.

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    1. Hi Bella,
      You know the article was not written for newlyweds, but for marriages where there are children, and saving the marriage is of a much higher importance.

      In your case you did the right, and recommended thing…please read this

      I am sorry for what you have been through!

      1. My husband and I have been married 8 years but I feel like it never was a marriage. From the start a week after we were married he was talking to other girls. All throughout are marriage he has done this. I’ve left for 3 weeks was the longestime. All the same story. I’ll get help I’ll do this and I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep you. I feel like our marriage was a big waste of my time. We have 2 kids and guess what after each kid was born in found him talking to other girls. So.even underage. He does everything you can think of to do. Fuck book, Kiki, snap chat, creating different email accounts. Ando bc he has.ptsd and tbi I make it an excuse. Yet here I am trying to make it work.

        1. Dear Sarah
          Once you have brought children into the world there is really no better choice than to stay with your husband, and do your best to make your marriage wonderful in spite of your husband’s weaknesses.
          In our marriage help course for women we begin with you. We explain how, exactly how, to manage your mind so the impact is greatly lessened, and how to see your husband as having a disease to contend with that hurts everyone. Then, we go over marriage in depth, so all your expectations can be realistic.Next we show you how to build your marriage, starting from where you are.

          Your husband is reacting; to your behaviors, as well as his own misconceptions. Every man will react differently. You cannot alter the things in his mind, but you can alter the outer conditions, meaning how you are with him. In most cases that is more than enough. In rare cases the husband might be using alcohol, drugs, or be impacted by something nobody can see, and those cases are tougher. Bur usually the marriage gets better in ways you cannot imagine….if you want a taste, you can read our books. But the course is the best.

          1. So, what courses are there? And he was a really bad drunk. He quit about 2 years ago but now he also abuses recreational drugs…so how do I change me then by just accepting this and living in a marriage where I’m just here and expected to do everything while he chats away with girls and ignores his two kids and wife? I need to feel loved as well. And I don’t feel that at all.

          2. Dear Sarah
            My suggestion for you is to take our course, which is unconditionally guaranteed. I am not saying it will work, but our mission is to save marriages, not make money. So, if the course does not work for you, and it might, then you ask for and get all your money back, at any point, even years from now.

            To fully explain your situation, or have us chime in with an opinion, is useless. You have much to learn, and we have seen “impossible” situations change….it is up to you. Either way, you have our prayers.

  • I’ve read the article and I agree. My husband has been looking at porn & dating sites for awhile now & I did confront him in the beginning & he stopped & agreed to therapy with me well that didn’t work out either. I did again find out he was on dating sites again & this time I didn’t confront him but I did right the opposite, I’ve been more positive & shown him more attention in & out of the bedroom, Things seem to be better for now even though I think he’s still on the sites. I want my marriage to last, we’ve been married for 15 years and we have a 9 year old son together that’s very close to the both of us. He’s at home with us every evening & we go places together all of the time. I don’t trust him in the cell phone/dating sites but I don’t think he would cheat on me while we’re married. I could be wrong but I’m just living one day at a time giving it my 110% I can’t be responsible for his actions & one day he will leave us or he will wake up & realize what he would be loosing if he did leave. I’ve cried to many tears over things that I can’t control. I’ve learned to stop nagging, I just allow him to think things through so he can realize his mistakes. I’m there for his support & I love him daily. Everyone has an opinion & this is mine. Good Luck to all of you.

    1. Good job Lorie! Now, if you wish, you can learn more about marriage and take yours to a higher level, without fear of making mistakes. Marriage is scientific!

    2. My significant other of 6 years has been using foreign dating/find a bride sites long before we met. He was on his own for a long time and I think they were his female companionship. We both are seniors with very bad experiences in the past and he has many good qualities. I think his male self esteem has been seriously compromised from the past. I don’t believe he had any intention of ever meeting any of them -just chatting. While I am not threatened by them, I know they indicate that our relationship is not what I want it to be. He is very afraid to open up but is doing so slowly. I agree that confrontation is unlikely to benefit anyone. It does not take away from the good stuff in our relationship. I have recently started sending him love song videos which he seems to appreciate. He is the strong silent type so I don’t get much feedback but what I get is very positive. I have had, at various times, to make the decision as whether I want to promote this relationship or end it. I have decided to promote it. His communication with me about deep issues and also just to keep on touch when he is away is improving slowly but steadily. At some point I may share with him that I know about it, but in a kind way acknowledging that he has some needs that are not met in our relationship. Since he has been doing it for a long time before we met I would not expect that he would drop it immediately. None of us is perfect.

      1. Dear Eliza…You are 100% on track with how you evaluate the various aspects of your situation. Your ability to weigh the positives against the negatives and let go of the negatives will allow your love to grow without restraint. Understanding that men are not “equipped” to communicate the way women are, that they can view “sex” as an entertainment without it influencing their true love is wisdom. Not building expectations that cannot be met is further proof of your innate wisdom, and your refusal to be influenced by trendy and false crazy ideas is admirable.

        I think you would enjoy our book. You remind me of one our earlier coaches, who was a MFT and he taught psychology at the collage level. When he explained how he worked with his clients I told him he didn’t need us, but he said “I want to be part of you because you validate what I have always believed”. ..You will do very well with your man, and when you marry you will be able to enjoy much more connection.
        Blessings to you both

        1. Thank you Paul. Which book is that? I taught at college for years – in the area of the sciences mainly. I found that the effectiveness of teaching/learning relied heavily on the relationship between the instructor and the student. Developing that was my first priority. My students taught ne much.

          1. You will enjoy and benefit from Breaking The Cycle An easier read is Lessons for a Happy Marriage
            Thank you for your inputs

  • In the past year I have found several dating sites my husband is linked to. I confronted him when I discovered a contact in his phone disguised as a male but was really a woman from one of the sites. He’d been calling and talking to her multiple times a day while at work. When I confronted him he claimed he didn’t realize it was a dating site, so I tried to save the marriage and forgave him. He deleted the sites but this past week I saw more accounts linked to an email he claims not to use. These sites are specifically for affairs and hook ups. There were even pornographic in his drafts folder. He claimed they were old, all created this year while we’ve been married for 2 together for 3. The most recent blow in the course of 48 hours was finding him texting a former friend of mine that slept with my boyfriend back in college. He claims she texted him and told him to disguise her number. I don’t know what to believe. I just recently moved across the country for his new job and we have a young child. He works late most days and I find myself sick to my stomach while he’s gone.

    1. Dear Molly,
      I think you wrote to us, but I will answer here for the sake of others.
      Marriage is not a plaything or temp relationship, but the way media approaches it we all have ideas about marriage that makes it tough to make it work. I would not condone any actions which are not marriage building, but the truth is your husband, and you, do not know until you know.
      The very purpose for our existenceis to teach marriage. Please! Either take our course or read our book. Your situation is not only fixable, but you can use this as a wake up call.

  • I agree with your opinion. I did confront my husbands initials days and now realise that it wasn’t of any use. May be worsened the situation. I have 5 years old daughter and hence feel sceptical to take any bold step. I love my husband very much and don’t want to leave him. I am trying my best to understand his psychological and physical needs, and trying to fulfil at his requirement level.
    I have started to show him more love and attention; and trying to motivate him a lot because his professional life is not good from past many years. I am also trying to give proper space too so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable or start running from over – shown love. Please advise me if I am incorrect somewhere.
    I have two questions, please advise me:
    1. How to maintain my sexual life? He doesn’t show any interest. He doesn’t tell me ever that he wants me. But I keep going to him after few days.. sometimes week and give more days gap intentionally.
    2. How do I help him come out of online dating, affairs etc.
    Also presently he is staying in different city because of his work.

    Thanks !

    1. I am glad you followed that course of action. Turning from taking things personally to compassionate understanding is a powerful medicine that you need to take for the rest of your life.
      answer yo question 1, is to work on the relationship first, but always letting him know how much you love his lovemaking (see the difference?)
      question 2 is you cannot, so do not try.
      Please read one of our books or take the course…you will be fine if you become knowledgeable

      1. I understand that the advice you are giving is logical. It could work if the man truly is in love and just acting badly. It makes me cry to read though. I feel as if this behavior destroys me. Why must i be so much better then i am to deserve to truly be cared for. My brain says people are human and they can hurt you and love you at the same time. My heart says no, i have loved you and you have used me. How nasty that you should do that and the only way i can fix it is to go on and on feeling so unloved while i try to win you. I am confused !

        1. Dear Betsy
          Your confusion is completely understandable, and very common.It is confusing, not because our approach is incorrect, but because the commonly held understandings of love, the mind, and the actual biological reasons for male and female differences are treated descriptively, and very few know what to do with the knowledge; so don’t feel alone, and don’r give up. It is not our way to just “explain” things, we help you apply what you learn so you can have a great marriage, even though what you are going through feels like the end of world…It isn’t! Don’t give up!

        2. That’s what I think to. We give and give and give. To the end of the earth and yet we should be the ones to change more? To live more so that we can win him back? I’m tired of constantly changing to better myself to keep my marriage afloat. It shouldn’t be me that constantly had to satisfy his EVERY NEED. Yet I’m being blamed for him searching for other women? He refuses to get help, counseling.

          1. Dear Kris
            Can you recall one time in your life that resentment actually accomplished anything good? No? Because I have never seen or heard of anger, vengeance, or expectations ever create a positive result.

            Our point is that those who escape their marriages, their wives, by going onto porn sites, or looking for sex fixes, are running for a reason. Is it right that they should do so? NO! Of course not!But neither is it right that a wife would abandon all loyalty, and all compassion, to express her disdain for the man she married by condemnation.

            Your husband is not perfect. Neither are you. We are here to help marriages, and we are very good at it. Our clients are successful. But we will only alter our ways when we find a better way to heal marriages.

  • Caught my man setting up appointments with women and sexual talk with ex’s. Confronted him and he denied, denied, denied. Gave him photocopies of proof, then he started being affectionate to me. Really? I wanted to throw up. So what you are saying is reward their infidelity?? Really? So we finally talked and I chose to continue the relationship if he could confront the ex and tell her he would not be speaking with her anymore. He did. I thought we had worked things out. Recently my girlfriend tells me he is messaging her through a dating site. Asked him why he was on a dating site. Again deny, deny, deny. I joined the dating website and messaged him. Still he denies that he got my message. Bullshit!!! The site confirms that he was online and got it. So you are saying I just look the other way, continue to be treated like a piece of ass at home while he is doing whatever when I go to work to support us both???? I have no heart left, no trust for anyone, and I certainly don’t enjoy sex with him because I am thinking the whole time, “Who did he learn this move from?” So I feel used, like a piece of trash, and society and you are telling me it is my fault, I must just endure it and fix it myself. Where is the accountability in our society??? Where have all the real men gone that have self control???? I guess women have always been and will always be second class citizens.

    1. Somehow I do not think you are married. ..and, yes, there is a difference.
      Look at the things you did, they are all super aggressive. So one must think you are that way; confrontive, intense, and aggressive. This is how woman have been “trained” to be in our society, so it is not your fault. But these qualities attract a certain kind of man…’
      Consider that if you did something wrong and were attacked for it. What would your reaction be?
      I do hope there are no children involved. Neither of you are educated enough to raise children properly, and perhaps not mature enough either.

      1. So answering his questions as to why I was crying, and asking why is super aggressive. It truely is a man’s world where men are always right. Not educated and not mature. I have more than one degree and have studied psychology and human development. I have two grown children that are doing very well. When I say confront I did not say it was a screaming match. Already you have assumed that women can’t be level headed. Thank you for assuring me that men are self serving and women are beneath them. As far as super aggressive, those words were to you and were not contained in my “confrontation” you take my language in the post as super aggressive, yet if a man said it they would be respected. You obviously have no idea how cheating effects the woman involved, nor do you care. You only care about the man, I find this common in our society. Study sociology. I need no further help from you.

        1. You came on to do battle, not gain insights nor ask for help. Your attitude towards men prejudices all reasonable outcomes and behaviors that you might otherwise gain from. We do not pretend to know everything, or think everyone is perfect, but we know that expressing anger only pushes people away, even when we love them.

          Our course of looking at marriage works for those who are willing to look at themselves with at least some scrutiny.

        2. I agree. What is not being dealt with is the hurt and extreme pain that we endure. What do we do with that??? It hurts beyond belief and there’s no where to put it! Sometimes the only comfort is to let it go because harmony is much more tolerable. However,let’s face it… in reality how long can we sweep those feelings? They’re right below the surface ….suppressed. with repeat offenders, those feelings just keep getting exposed over and over again. That’s not growth. That’s not marriage. That’s a,one sided arrangement.

          1. Susan,
            We only agree with suppressing outer expressions which will hurt your husband’s feelings. Marriage is not a game of tit for tat, or about dependence on your husband to do what is right, as you only can control your own actions.
            But you can also learn to manage your mind, by properly understanding how it works and what is actually causing the painful feelings. It is not your husbands actions that are the root of your suffering, but how you perceive his actions, or better stated, how your mind perceives his actions.

            Don’t you see that your mind will control you until, through educated understanding, you learn to control it. Then, and only then, will you be on the path to happiness.

            Our teachings are not to become a martyr. On the contrary. Our teachings are wonderful explanations so you can be happy.

        3. Paul’s advice is only correct in regards to not confronting immediately. To suggest turning up the notch sexually when that was NEVER a problem with us? Not until HE chose to have a sex online and lose interest in real life. I have dealt with with years and years of emotional abuse from him. Blaming me for everything big and small that went wrong in our lives… I finally stopped the blame game…. But his moods are still out of whack, I have stayed, helped, and been there sexually for him and for myself. I like sex too. He tells me I am beautiful, and the kindest person he knows. He still treats others better than me. He acts more interested in what others have to say but not to me. He knows I have noticed this. His past viewing of porn was “supposedly stopped at my request.” He is now on sex dating sites and is now viewing hard-core. So what now…. Continue to keep him interested??? I am horrified at this advice. So be his accessible source of sex…. And while he is up all night on those sites and cannot function during the day….. I will feel awesome about myself that I offered him a precious part of me. I am deeply religious, and still ultra sensual and sexual and loving. I am beautiful woman who is also cute. My cuteness is sassy and sexual. I am asked out constantly as I have a public job. I decline because I am value myself and my body, even in my own home. And let’s remember, my husband was first to show a decline in interest for having sex as much as we used to…. I would never advise my daughter to lie down her back for a man who has turned his back on her. Time to follow my own advice. My husband needs a lot of help. His nice guy act to others on the outside is just so fraudulent. Sad that his wonderful redeeming qualities that I still see used to make up more of his total personality. I have addressed his depression and personality disorder to him and to his doctor…. Nothing. I would have never thought this of him 21 years ago when we got married. We have wonderful kids. We have been through sickness and financial trials and marriage issues….. Why would he even want to continue any drama? I just don’t get it… Time to stop thinking about my “role” and more about my spirit. He is not religious like me and I have tried to turn him more into that as well…. But regardless of my story…. No man should ever suggest to a woman who is hurting to make your man more interested in bed. Bad timing with that advice.

          1. Dear Jan
            I can appreciate your comment about my advice as it applies to your own situation, but a general article is not intended to cover every situation, nor do I suggest that a few tips are always adequate to resolve an issue that is essentially a symptom.

            My advice is to let women know that although it is not their fault their husband is yielding to this monstrous temptation, there are things they can do about it.

            The fact that you would trash me personally, says a lot about your personality and approach to your husband, who is much closer to you. Your level of expectations of him are obviously greater than he can deliver, yet you pummel him in a public venue- venting. Where is your spiritually driven compassion? Would you expect a man with a broken arm to carry a piano?

            My advice is sound, based on the core principles we teach. Not everyone can appreciate the depth, but we have seen much worse situations than yours get corrected.

            You have a done a great job protecting your children and remaining loyal. I wish you would study what we offer so you can do even better – Paul

    2. Yea I would want to know too where all the REAL MEN ARE! We have been married for 30 years and together for 32 years. I am a pretty woman. I get hit on all the time by men but I tell them I am married and not interested. Anyhows I just found out about two months ago that my husband has 5 accounts on sexads.com site. How I found out is because I made an anonymous account on there and searched his name. Anyhows, he has been searching for local women to hook up with and be even prints out pictures of these women that are nude. It makes me furious about it. I tried to block this site but then he abuses me and calls me a bitch over and over. Also he drinks so that ads to the situation too. I have tried to be attracted to him like I used to but he just wants sex. He is not an attractive man. He is very skinny and the alcoholism has aged him badly. I need advice please!!!

      1. Dear Gail
        Alcohol is a terrible disease of the mind, and those who fall into its clutches have a very difficult time getting unhooked because it reduces the users will power, sometimes slowly, sometimes drastically. Our advice is for you to rise above your current situation, yes, but also take precautions that prevent you from sliding into the state he is in. We also advise you to create in yourself an attitude of compassion towards him, rather than disdain, because compassion forces you to up while not pushing him further down.

  • We have been together for 12 years and married 8 we fell in love with each other after both being in very difficult relationships, moved in together both having children from previous marriages, but we got through everything that had been thrown at us. I thought we always had this special connection not matter what we were there for each other.
    I have just found on my husband computor he joined a sexy dating site chatting to woman saying sexual things he wanted to do to them and to arrange to meet one inpertiqular, I beleive this has not happened as i spoke to the girl, All i can say is i am heartbroken. I feel betrayed, confused, something we have always had is trust and he has been sneaking around behind my back even been sat in the same room as me chatting away to other woman, I can’t get my head round the fact he posted lots of pictures of himself unless he was planning to go meet them. I have confronted him I did scream and shout at first but that is because my husband the man i love destroyed me, he has deleted everything he tells me he loves me and he is sorry and that it became an addiction. I am trying to pick up the pieces but i feel so hurt how could he do this to us, to us we were suppose to be solid. I am broken into thousands of tiny pieces, How we come back from this i really don’t know, I have good and bad days, I picked myself up got my hair done, got the sexy underwear out and we have been having great sex but after i feel sad and emotional, that he could do this to our love our relationship our marriage, he said he felt low and wanted attention and didn’t feel good about himself. I was there why didn’t he just come to me instead of ruining everything. I could have had an affair with someone but didn’t you know why because i am better than that and love and care about my husband or did who knows now he has hurt me so bad. The sad thing is part of me wants to hurt him show him how it feels to be betrayed, but i don’t think that will get me any where. x

    1. Suzy
      The test you are going through is difficult, to say the least, but that does not mean you will not get to the other side of this, and far beyond. This is a wake up call. What you do from here is up to you, and how you perceive what happened (the reasons why) will have a lot to do with what you do from here.
      Understanding the difference between how men and and women relate to sex, due to biological drives and social training is essential for you. Then, when you have the option of feeling compassion instead of hurt, you will be able to move forward if you plan on being there for him.

      We have seen this situation many times before. We have never seen a failure (at least with our clients).

      It sounds like your core love is very strong!

  • I have been married for 14 years, he has been acting weird latley so I decied to check his phone, and he is signed up to numerous online dating websites. What do I do? I don’t think he would cheat. And I don’t think he’s even talking with any women cause I think you need a credit card to be able to chat and we have a joint account and I havnt seen anything come out yet. Do I just keep my mouth shut and assume he is just browsing.

    1. It is not your fault, but saving your relationship is going to take you stepping up your love and expressions. AND, it is not a good time to bring it up. If you win him back he will be the one to bring it up…which I hope he doesn’t, as your marriage should focus on expanding your mutual love, not going over your mistakes

  • I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Lately I noticed that there was something not right in the relationship,as he always hid his phone from me and would never allow me to see his passwords on his computer. Well one day he left his computer open with his emails right there in front of me. I found a message that he sent to a woman whom was a work associate. The message contained very passionate and sexual connotations. I asked him about this. He said that he felt that our relationship wasn’t as good as it should be. I felt very hurt because I was very committed to him and had been by his side for everything and loved him and showed him love. I felt very angry as this was going on for quite some time. They were going to lunch together frequently. He said that there was nothing sexual between them. How could there not be any more. He never spoke to me like that. When you don’t know the truth your mind begins to wander and believe there is more to it. I really don’t know if he is telling the truth. He said he would stop seeing her at lunch and stop the emailing and texting with her. That was one month ago. The past month I’ve been super nice to him very loving and very sexual with him. But,today, looking through his history on his computer I see that he’s going to p*** sites, sex dating websites and other sexual related websites. I don’t know if I should approach him, again or just leave it be and continue to monitor it as he hasn’t straying after work. What should I do? I’m very disappointed, frustrated and feeling very low. I feel very unwanted. I am rather obsessed thinking about what he may be doing behind my back.

    1. Laura….It is a psychophysiological reality that a committed relationship is not the same as marriage. In the past, when we have tried to help couples in less than a marriage we have seen the strain break the bond, as it is just not the same. I suggest you learn about marriage from one of our books or courses, then you may have a better notion of what the right thing for you to do.

  • Hi. I’ve been with my husband for over 3 years but only married for 5 months. We have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. We are a younger couple in our mid-late 20’s. I recently found him on dating websites like tinder and plenty of fish etc. I’ve confronted him about the tinder and he has deleted it twice! But today I found him on another one claiming to be single and to having no children. Says he’s looking to date but nothing serious which obviously means hooking up. I haven’t told him I found him on this one and I’m not sure if I should or not. The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met. So why is this happening. I keep thinking maybe it’s cause I’m pregnant ??? But we been there before and he didn’t pull this. I’m just not sure what I should do. Idk if it’s even worth me sticking around or if I should try to make it work. I’ve brought up therapy but his ego won’t allow it. He thinks it’s stupid and that we are fine because he isn’t doing anything he says. Im not dumb though I know he has to be getting messages from girls and sending them out. Is it worth it to stay? And how should I confront him

    1. Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable. We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work. As you say, he is too immature. But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it.
      Taking care of his physical needs is not what is meant by taking care of a man’s needs. He, like you, needs unconditional love. It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books – both spell out much that you need to learn.

  • Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage. For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I think I’m in one now.

    I found my husband–again–on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women–age, name, location, job. I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior. I know it stems from his belief that he’s not good enough for me, but I also have very little control over those thoughts.

    I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs. Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I initiate sex. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him. When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online.

    I’m exhausted. I’m drained. On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men.

    How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough? I don’t even know where to start to show him I love him. Suggestions? Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause?

    1. Marcie
      It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home (who he is taking care of) your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do.
      But your “care” for his “needs” are all focused on superficial and psychological needs, and prove unworkable, even though you are doing your best. There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements….at the very least I suggest you read Breaking The Cycle, so you can decide for yourself what is your best move. But the children aspect is very important to consider.

  • My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them. He said he wants to reconcile with me. He said he deleted, or couldn’t delete his POF profile BUT I come to hind out he just HID the profile. Doesn’t matter how loving I am. He lies and lies. I’ve already talked to him about it, ad nauseum, and he said I was “losing my mind”. He’s deflecting his BS on me so I left, ad nauseum. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Your thoughts please.

    1. Dear Lori
      We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or….It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Please, don’t “talk” to him. That won’t work. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage….may I suggest you either take our course or read one of our books. I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look.

      1. Mr. Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself. They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin. So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again?

        1. Dear Judy,
          There is a rule of thumb I have which I want to share with you
          “Love, yes, BUT, NEVER walk into a spinning propeller”
          Wouldn’t it be nice if one could hand you a pill, or ‘thing to do’ for any interaction or situation that is troubling? But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another.
          The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome.
          Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child.
          IF she changes her thinking into “how can I help my husband through his crisis?” (which is her crisis too) she will progress in this situation much better, and not be a mere victim of her circumstances.
          If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course (if it is easily affordable) she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in.
          Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped. He needs help, too. Why don’t you love him??

  • says:

    Why is it the woman always has to show more attention, do what he wants in and out of bed…bla bla, seriously, maybe because women don’t cheat as much as men do? I don’t know, it feels like rewarding them for being bad, like a teen acting out, oh here, here is a new cell phone, what does that tell your man…I think it tells him that he will be rewarded for his bad actions and when he gets tired of you doing what he wants and goes back to dating sites and porn, well then, heck, let’s be even better in bed. I sound bitter I know, maybe because I am, I feel worthless, I don’t care anymore.

    1. Twila
      Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair. But those approaches cannot work. Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees.
      Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal. Your husband is not your child, either (though they often act that way). It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course (though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books).

  • I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing. Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful. Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired. I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again. We got back together and it was going brilliantly in every way possible, I fell off a chair and hurt my leg this week, he drove back to see me but something told me he wasn’t that bothered about me so I checked his phone again and found him arranging to call someone. I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact. I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women. I just can’t understand why as I am very sexual, very affectionate, and things just couldn’t be better. Weird. Any advice would be welcome. I am 52 still very attractive and really want to find a life partner I wish it was him but I’m afraid he will keep distracting himself and avoiding commitment.

    1. Dear Christina
      It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions. Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage….but how would you have known this? Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way….unfortunately, no other way will bring true and lasting happiness.

      Finding a “practical” solution to your predicament is not possible,as all roads you now see are dead ends. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you.

  • My husband of 15 years was “caught” again using a secret cell phone to sext other women. He’s also been using craigslist and dating sites again. The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage..fast forward to 3 months ago,I find another one…how am I supposed to work on our marriage when he clearly doesn’t want me? I want him and I’ve tried all I can to be a good wife/mother/friend..my heart is so broken,all I think about is the times I’ve tried to please him in all aspects of our relationship? How in the world do I move past this? I’ve prayed,cried,and forgave all I can..he says he wants to work on our marriage,but will not discuss what happened,I haven’t even received an apology? I didn’t ask for one either..I’m confused,sad,lonely and don’t even knw where to go from here? Any advice? From anyone????

    1. Dear Lana
      All who “catch” their husband are tormented by the reality of their marriage being on the brink. Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration. Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works.
      You said you worked on your marriage…but how?
      If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success. But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success.
      Advice is this
      1) Do not give up…your previous efforts to work on your marriage were incorrect (or you would not be here)
      2) Understand your husband’s weakness without expectations…he is who he is
      3) Understand that you will have to pull the weight of your marriage in order to heal it..it will heal if you know how
      4) Begin your efforts to learn about marriage so you can apply and succeed…you will succeed if you put it all together

      I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination. I have seen so many “miracles” when the above was followed

      1. Paul,
        I’m just curious,are you married? If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? Your answer(thank you for responding by the way) makes me feel like I’m supposed to just look the other way while he has his cake and eats it too??? “Understand his weakness without expectations” is clearly saying just deal with what he’s doing and try to make him happy,hoping eventually he’ll decide I’m good enough and choose only me..that’s not the kind of marriage i want..to me marrige is 110% from both spouse’s , and giving that 110 when the other is continuing to betray, is not only demeaning,but in my opinion,stupid! So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive..

        1. Lana
          Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation. All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble.
          I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally. Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him.
          If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books.
          I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce. Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage. It is your free will that decicdes your fate.

      2. Callously end their relationship. Paul is an idiot dont be like Paul.

        1. Dear Sue
          What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations. In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future. True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all.
          It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that.

          Do our teachings work in all cases? Of course not. But we have saved marriages that most wrote off.
          Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited. Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives.
          Paul Friedman

  • My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time.He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. He says he wants to save the marriage, but can’t while he is in it and needs to move out. In his words, he wants to “miss” me, and take me out on dates again.

    My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves.. but he refused. He said he needed “space”. It is important to note here that my husband often works overseas…in fact 80% of the time, therefore has much “space” away from me.
    My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work . However, I have learned since then that he has had online profiles on 2 dating sites for the past year as a “single” man, looking for single women (in one of the cities that he works at when away)
    I confronted him, and as most cheaters would do, blamed it on me and insisted that nothing came of it, that he was just lonely and needed attention. He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost.
    I am now at the crossroads..I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat. When is enough..enough?

    1. Dear Nadi
      There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you. If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family. Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages. We always suggest taking our course or, at the very least, reading Breaking The Cycle…But I never consider your marriage even close to over if you take the right steps of getting educated, and then using what you learn…and don’t listen to the fools who would have you throw away your marriage in the name of proving you are not a doormat. A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat.

  • I’m sorry…but I don’t have any sympathy for the MAN/Husband.or the Wife/Women…It take two to make a marriage work….(No Excuses Please)….the problem is a lack of communication between both parties….regarding each other’s feelings…such as physical, mental and spiritual touches have been met…..Husband and wife is waiting for Who is going to take the first step….or it could be….I’m always the one doing all the asking, taking care of every day routine….it’s too easy to stop and say nothing or run away from the real issues. Porn sites area bad excuse for anything….unless you don’t know how to please your partner and you’re taking notes for your next encounter with your wife/husband to surprise them…Nuff said….

    1. Dear Janice
      No “excuses” is quite harsh, and would mean the end of virtually every marriage because nobody in this world can live up to the expectations of perfection. Forgiveness is an essential quality to develop within our own consciousness. Without forgiveness we would all be condemned.

      That being said, each should do the best they can to be the best spouse who ever lived, and that means allowing for the other’s temporary handicaps when called for.

  • Paul-I’m finding it very hard to believe that it’s OK to go on dating sites when you are married. I’m having a bit of a hard time excepting that my husband did — and may still– go on dating and affair sites. He also watches a lot of porn. Plus he has quite a few women friends including his ex-wife.
    About six years ago, my husband suffered a major stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side. He was 46. He has visual problems and some cognitive loss. At the time, he was paying all of our bills. I needed access to his computer to take over the bills and that’s when I discovered the dating and affair sites. I don’t think he’s met up with anyone. He told me he was just curious. I knew he viewed porn but I didn’t know to what degree. Hiscomputer was filled with porn pics and videos. At first I felt it was my fault–that I wasn’t paying enough attention. I tried to give him more attention. But I became the caregiver. At first I needed to help him bath and dress. He is now able to do that by himself. I still help with minor things like clip nails. He doesn’t bath very often and doesn’t pay attention to his clothes and may have food on his shirt or pants when he goes out of the house. He has not been able to find work that he can do and is on disability. He can’t drive. We have a 15 year old daughter. I am the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, driver, etc. I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn. I do not want to spy. I am really finding it hard to justify staying with him except for our daughter’s sake. But I’m really not a good judge of whether or not that staying together is even best for her. I find it hard to be physically close to him, her father, and I don’t know if that is setting a good example of what a marriage is. I am not a religious person so God does not play a part in my decisions. So, I ask–is it really fair to criticize me for being angry and feeling like giving up? I’m curious as to what you have to say. Thank you.

    1. Dear Ginger
      I will address the question about your daughter first, because the rest of her life is before her.
      Religious or not, we get married with the idea that if one of us has a calamity the other not just sticks around, but is there to help. It is not an easy commitment to make, but we all do. Maybe because we are covering our own bases, but the commitment is still a living part of the marriage. Showing your daughter that it is a real part of life is a great gift you are giving her, and although many 15 year old girls are self centered, it needs to be shown to her that giving love and loyalty is a huge part of what opens her heart, while abandoning this deep feminine principle will close her heart,making her a very poor choice as a wife and mother in the future.

      Your mind is betraying you right now. You know he is mostly helpless so your primitive survival drive is screaming for relief. Porn is not good, watching porn is not good, going on dating sites when you are married is not good…making your marriage work, starting with what you have, and learning how to ignite the connection…that is good.

      Your burden is yours, and we cannot say why it is so, but you do not have to take it as such. Having free will gives you all the power for happiness in any situation you find yourself in.

      1. Paul-I couldn’t remember where I found this posting but just found it today as I was curious how you responded. This morning I discovered that my daughter saw they porn and dating sites on my husbands computer at some point in the past. I’m not entirely sure how long ago. She brought it up during casual conversation. She said that if her dad was not married, she’d think he’d be a womanizer. I asked her why and she said that she saw things on his computer. I asked her what and she said that is was pictures and dating site. She said to her it seamed like cheating. I had an already scheduled appointment with my therapist and he said that it is considered cheating. I also recently found that my husband had access to another woman’s emails and I’m pretty sure the woman is unaware. It appears that he is in a way stalking her. To me it seems like there is so much going on here and I’m not really equipped to handle this plus the other stresses of being married to a disabled husband. He is not the same man I married. I really don’t know if it’s the right message to my daughter to say that it’s necessary to stay in a marriage no matter what. I want her to be strong and I want her to be happy. I don’t want her to think that she needs to put up with things she is not comfortable with. I am also worried about my mental and physical health in dealing with all of this. I want to be around for awhile to take care of her. It was six years ago that my husband had the stroke and I found out about the dating sites. I feel like I’ve given it a good try.

        1. Dear Ginger
          Human beings should not so easily be characterized as “cheaters” or “womanizers”, or “quitters” (as one could call you if they felt so inclined). But our focus, as individuals, should be on our own qualities with the emphasis of improving ourselves. Marriage is a great mirror for that, in fact, as we are often pushed, so we can better see our weaknesses.
          I think your therapist is pandering to you, and adding fuel to an unhealthy fire. You did not say “until I have done all I could” at your wedding, you said “for better or for worse”, and your “worse” is not easy. But it is still up to you to be selfless and loving.
          So, that does not mean you walk into spinning propellers, and it does not mean you ignore the needs of your daughter. But it does mean you should consider looking at your general demeanor to your husband, and see if you are true to your vows.
          It is true that divorce is the right thing to do sometimes, but your first steps to learn more about marriage and your self just might save you all from the dramas that come from divorce.

          1. Paul-You’ve lost my respect by insulting my daughter. Yes she may have simplified some traits but that is how we’ve been taught in our society to verbalize our feelings. We are not all experts as you may call yourself. I bet it was hard for her to let me know what she saw. It took her years. I am proud of her–that she is a “strong” young woman. And I may turn out out to be a “quitter” but I hope that other words may come to mind such as “strong” and “self-respecting”.

        2. Paul-FYI, my husband was on dating websites before we were married.

          1. Dear GLK and Ginger
            I cannot imagine the frustration everyone is feeling, but please do not redefine what I wrote. My point is that nobody should be characterized, and anyone can be; it is a choice. Before you throw away our teachings, based on one misunderstood sentence it would benefit your daughter to read our book, and see if her marriage can be saved, if that is what you want (it is what I want) by applying a more reasonable approach to the current situation.

            But if you are telling me her husband, your son in law, is beyond redemption, or her vows did not include “for better or worse”, or she is the perfect wife; well than you do not need our help.

            We also stress the importance of not sharing confidential family matters, because, as you have shown by your laudable (100% sincere) protective reaction, all it does is complicates her need to address HER issues.

            Ginger, if you want to save your family, which would help your children too, please consider taking a more compassionate approach to your husband…especially because his “dis-ease” has now been revealed to have been chronic when you knew him BEFORE you were married.

            I always try to be respectful to all who come to us, but misunderstanding may create an idea that I am not; I am. I am more than respectful. I sincerely care about what happens to your family.

  • My story is similar to Suzy 11 yr relationship been on sites since the very beginning many fights over it every year in fact I finally left for a year and came back for many reason I promised m=not to check up on him to see if he is behaving and I didn’t for about 8 months and life was wonderful then i just couldn’t avoid the overwhelming gut feelings anymore so I checked not only is he on a site again he’s on a site for $$ arrangements. I can’t say if he has ever met up with anyone many of his convos suggest a meeting place but I don’t know if it ever happened the convos just stop. It took me many years to get back the trust but I felt I owed it to myself and him to give it my full try and i did now he has destroyed me again. But he feels he has erectile dysfunction and this is the cause of all his purpose. He wont go for help has gotten Cialis which he has only used with me on a couple occasions but they are all gone all 50 of them. Tell me how am I suppose to get back to trusting when he keeps breaking it. Others suggest let him go to figure it out. At the moment I am sleeping in another room and refuse to talk to him I am so embarrassed i can[‘t not talk to friends and have no family.

    All behavior points to narcissism.


    1. Dear Gwen
      It is very sad that the psychological community has expanded into marriage relationships, and blames seeming failures on the “other” spouse’s named or unnamed symptoms. Because if that is the truth of marriage failures it would be impossible to succeed in marriage, wouldn’t it? After all, everyone of us is suffering through, or dealing with, or trying to overcome one psychological issue or another.
      NO! You cannot blame your husband for your troubled marriage, and you cannot condemn him according to his mental ailments. It is outrageous to do so! Are you perfect? Are your behaviors towards him not adding to the pressures that has him acting out in such SELF destructive ways??
      Your humiliation is a great indicator of self centeredness, isn’t it. Where is the loving compassion you, as a wife, ought to be expressing in your heart and mind? All you talk about is how YOU are effected; nothing about his suffering!
      My suggestion is you ask yourself if you are the model wife, loving and supportive, loyal and nurturing, nonjudgmental and forgiving.
      The rules for marriage are not so much about how to treat your spouse as they are about learning to love outside of your comfort zone.
      I suggest you turn the spotlight of criticism away from your husband, and upon yourself!

  • Sound words that I am taking to heart, thank you. I plan on purchasing the book. I have been with my fiance for 5 years. 5 kids, 2 of which are ours together and another on the way soon (few weeks). He said he’s fallen out of love with me for 5 months now. He’s been saying he’s done with us often, but we usually have a talk and after things simmer down he remains. We are “trying” to make it work. Have been going to therapy for 1 month now. All this time I’m thinking things are going in the right direction and headed towards building a good relationship…until these past few days when I found out he is on dating sites claiming to be single and wanting to find his “yin to his yang”. In therapy yesterday he said he does not know if he wants to be with me, doesn’t know if he can ever rekindle love for me. I was so heart broken and in tears ever since. I’m about to have a baby soon and am so sad. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of the dating sites. I’m making a commitment to forgive, trust him, show him unconditional love but find it very hard to show him the sweet love I should be showing because I am just so sad. I do not know how to approach sex either because what is it that we are even engaging in if he doesn’t love me then it’s not love making but instead him satisfying his biological need. What to do, do I have sex with him knowing is not love and intimacy for him? I love this man and want to make it work. I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. I’m sad that I’m due soon and that he’s not savoring these last few days of me being pregnant like in-love couples dreamingly would.
    Lonely and Sad,
    Thank you.

    1. Dear Judith
      You are right that he is merely using you biologically, but he does not know that. Because of worse than zero marital training in our society he is as much a victim as you are, it is just worse for you because you are not able to just walk away (not that you want to).
      He is looking for what his soul is yearning for, but his mind is driven by his procreative drive, and confused by the stupid non solutions the world has to offer. Men do not grasp love, for what it is, so it is up to the loyal wife to understand her husband and lovingly nudge him back into her heart…but chances are you are not yet acting from a heart centered place, even though you write very well. The book will help you immensely! The course would be greatly helpful as well.
      I hope commitment and marriage will be the outcome from your studies…
      I would suggest you stop the meeting with the therapist, as your husband is using it to vent and that will only strengthen the error, as his mind rationalizes away his practical responsibilities.

      1. Thank you..I’m actually going to purchase the course. And although my intentions and talk may be the way, you’re right, perhaps my heart is not fully there. I want it to be. Im going to make this work! Thank you :)

  • One last question…do I share this course with him? So we both follow it together? Or do I keep all these studies to myself?

    1. Dear Judith
      Free will is one of the greatest gifts each of us have been given. The slightest idea that someone is imposing on our free will causes defensiveness. For that reason we suggest you start the course and book, and after a time you can tell him what you are doing. Best, in your situation where there is already a lot of resentment, to not even mention that he also has full access, unless he asks. The, if he does, play it cool…
      As you start implementing changes you can share how much help you are getting, but wait a month or so before you say anything.

  • says:

    Paul, I have been reading all the sad stories women have written and it makes me ask why? I like the other women have been married 21years to a man that has LOTS of issues.We have 3 remarkable children, two are almost out of college and my little guy is 12. My 18 year old daughter had a paper to write for school and had to use the office computer because hers was out of juice and the paper had a submission deadline. She came upstairs a bit later and was visibly upset, I knew somethings wrong. I persisted calmly and sat her down and she fell apart. She told me Dad has signed up on a dating sight for $$ and left the window open on his computer she was very angry. HE SAID HE WAS Seperated AND HAD NO Children or even any pets, anyway it was all lies. My Oldest 20yr daughter had a very different reaction she said he’s sick which I also agree. Its aweful when your children are victims because of someone elses fantasy issues. I reassured the girls its not there fault or mine. This is his choice and we are where we put ourselves. I dont feel a confrontation will prove anything but make it worse. I however have some soul searching and thinking to do. I believe this is a symptom of a bigger problem. He has been diagnosed with seasonal Bi-polar disorder and his mother was a full blown manic/depressive and bipolar she had to be medicated and hospitalized for this affliction and I am sure it had an impact on him. Sooo there are other issues here, he’s also Diabetic and must have some real self-esteem issues. All that said it doesn’t justify the choices HE made ,or excuse them. I am aware that I am also not faultless here either. But Its important how I handle this because It greatly affects my children. I am not in a position to divorce him not sure its a solution.
    All I can think of is the Movie FireProof and the Love Dare Book. WE Are where we put ourselves. I am mad yes Id like to kick his ass for being so stupid and If pursues these women Ill have my answer I also know all it will take is one of his manic episodes and they wont stick around but I dont have to be a doormate either. My girls are watching me and I must make smart not emotional choices for there sakes. They want confrontation I said its respectfully my love relationship and I must make the decisions. It sucks being the only grown up sometimes, They will also need help with there Dad but for now ME First. Not sure how there male realtionships will be affected in the future. I guess most of all its my choice to stay or go for now.

    1. Dear Sharon
      You have confused yourself with too much reading of differing points of view, but have come to some very good conclusions.
      What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent. I suggest you do the same with your conclusions, but remain a woman and a wife. In other words you do not confront because it would have only detrimental repercussions, so why would you do so…you stay with your explanation to your daughter that her dad is currently struggling with psychological challenges because it reflects the principle of feminine compassion, and the principle of honoring others, especially the man who gave her birth and raises her…the “no children” got to her, but the delusion he is succumbing to is causing all sorts of unpredictable craziness, she needs to be loving and supportive, as a woman.
      You would get a lot of help from our teachings, and hope you consider it.

      1. Thanks for the helpful reply. Part of being married is for better or worse, guess this is the worse part YUCK anyway. I am a conservative and have a strong faith. I believe I can draw on it once again to regain my own confidence. Its never fun or funny its a sad state of the union when this rotten stuff happens but I must believe its a symptom of a weakness in my relationship. I can only control my own behavior and with prayer and alot of being my consistent self I must be get through this. If he chooses to leave me and his children its he that will loose. I am not going to go down the low road and will have to read and educate myself more to
        help to bring about a livable outcome for all of us. Like I said someone has to be grown up…thank for the kind ear

  • I’m sorry but I find your advice quite funny. Don’t let him know you know? Really? I just found my husband on a dating website and the last thing I would do is not let him know I found it. Another issue I have is you only want the innocent person involved to change their ways. Ya right. No matter the issues its never the person that is getting cheated oms fault. I’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids and this is the absolutely most ridiculous article I’ve ever read. People realize if your spouse is stepping out of your marriage its not your fault.

    1. Dear Kayla
      You are probably surprised to find we would publish a letter that is so critical of our teachings, but I think it is important to keep our practices above board. So thank you for writing! Now, I will explain to you, but mostly to others, the value of the advice, so it is not seen as mere “opinion”. We take great pride in our scientific, practical, and successful approach.
      The advice you do not like
      1) Do not tell your spouse you discovered him (in just about every case) and
      2) Have the “innocent” person, the “victim” work on themselves

      1) The reasons you do not confront your husband is because it will do much harm, no good, and probably spin off into much more drama.
      Can you imagine any person who has been caught actually responding well?? Only in a movie, perhaps, but even if he was contrite, and fell at your feet seeking forgiveness, that would be purely reactive, and short lived. But usually the reaction is either defensive, insulted or the beginning of the end. Additionally, most women catch their husband because they snooped; which will then become an issue, which distracts.
      Lastly, your reaction to his “sin” is not compassionate or loving; it is aggressive, judgmental, and damning. If you want to stay married you need to change all the behaviors that got both of you to the point of his cheating…what is your part? It just happened that his mind was the first to snap. If you think he “owes” you, or some other faux principle has been betrayed, you are not behaving like a wife, but a warden, or worse.

      2) The “innocent” victim is NEVER innocent, not in all my years! BUT the person exploring, or searching for ways to keep her marriage together is the one who is currently motivated AND, as a woman, is far better equipped to bring love into her marriage, and lead the way.

      Often, sometimes years later (sometimes less), husbands respond to the changed wife and take up the mission of creating a true marriage along with their wise wife who led the way.

      I hope you will consider the above, and alter your stance enough to save your marriage.

      The husband who cheats is, by definition, unable to handle his married life (or wife) and has found an escape. He is not of sound mind, but is damaged; and you do not know how badly.
      Then there

  • I have a similar situation. Been married 10 years , 2 young daughters. My wife and I seperated 9months ago for anout a month.
    It was prompted by her built up frustration over the years.
    I moved to a hotel … During this time and a week previous to this I had caught her sex chatting online. I confronted her she played it down.
    The same week I moved out she constantly rang to make sure the comming Saterday night I would be with the kids….
    I thought it strange but as I was desperately trying to fix our marriage.. I complied without question.
    That night my 4 year old daughter said something i wrong with her ipad..
    I looked and it was pop up messenger communication sexual natured of my wife arranging a liason with a stranger…
    I flipped….
    Well a month later I moved back in.. She promised me it was a one off…
    I forgave…
    Since then I recently found out she has been having an affair for 8months. She confessed I got angry found the guy…
    She broke it off.
    Since then I have had trust issues. I opened a Ashley Maddison account and tried to look for her…
    Yesterday I found her pretending to be someone else.
    She was ready to meet me and stated she is in an unhappy marriage looking for fun.
    Our sex lives are great.. She openly admits that but letting it go so many times, I feel she thinks its acceptable behavior that if found out i will over look if I catch her.
    I dont want to teach my childrren that someone can do the same to them and they should always forgive.


    1. Dear Joe,
      I am glad you want to protect your daughters, but I do not think you understand the dynamics of what is actually going on, or the tendency for daughters to usually, not always but usually, follow in their mom’s footsteps, at least for awhile.
      Typically men ruin the relationship with their wife by using the “power” they have to control and manipulate them, then the wife, again “typically”,leaves the husband who has betrayed the subconscious primal reason she gets married; protection.
      I would be surprised if you did not fall into this routine, and suggest you look at your behaviors towards your wife with a critical eye.
      How a wife leaves her husband is almost never typical. Your wife, for instance, got into a pretty self destructive routine in her search for her way out, and I am sure her mind is doing the best it can sorting everything into rationalization that makes it all seem okay to her. I wouldn’t judge ANY of her behaviors if you want to win her back. I would laser focus on our materials, books or course, or both; and let her know you are trying with all you have…but I would not expect anything from her in return. In fact, from our experience, which is pretty consistent with the experience of others I have spoken with (whose methods I agree with) the chances for success are not good; and we do not know why…Perhaps most men are not willing to look at their own faults with an open mind, we don’t know.
      But you do need to work on the only person who you can influence; you!
      Hope this is helpful.

  • I read what you say to do but after I read this I felt like you were blaming me for his behavior. Well let me tell you this, I spent years kissing his behind, I have paid attention to his sexual wants and desires, I do not nag but I will be blunt, If I catch you in a lie hell yes I will be first to let you know.
    I gave up my life for his crap, he wanted to join the army, against my feelings I allowed it and stood behind him.
    I cooked cleaned and I kept him on his butt when he didn’t have a job.
    So to me your writings are not correct.
    I am not going to take the blame for his behaviors..
    If he walks well he walks I really do not care but I refuse to be the escape goat for his misgivings.

    1. Dear Marie
      You are not “responsible” for his behaviors. There is no implication of such a crazy thing as that, but some do ‘hear’ that, and as you say, it is not correct.

      However, the fact is neither women or men understand marriage when they get married (or ever, in most cases), and by the time the marriage is falling apart it is almost always only one of you that wants to do anything about it. If you go through our blogs you will see that when a man comes for help he is told what he needs to do, and when a woman comes for help we tell her what she can do; and it is not the same. Men and women are different, and we are clear about each gender’s strengths and weaknesses.

      We are not always right on, but usually!

      If you are able to tame your anger, which we teach in our materials, you will be in a better place to be objective about whether to stay or not. If you have children we hope you stay, but that is general, and sometimes not the best, either.

      Either way, we teach people how to be married, how to manage their emotions and how to succeed. I hope you look at more of our material before you write us off.

  • says:

    My husband has joined several hookup/come fuck me site, dating websites and porn sites. All of a sudden, he is ALWAYS working (during the week, weekends, holidays, late nights), yet our bills are no longer being paid and now my paycheck is disappearing too. I have RA and started my infusions. I asked him to come to the first appointment because I was scared and did not know how I would react to the medicine. He blew me off to be with his “best friend”, who cheats on his live in girlfriend and now “works” with my husband. Now he has his phone with him 24-7-365 and made another fb page and another gmail account. He no longer sleeps in our bed and is always in his “man cave”. He told me I “forced him” to marry me. He says he loves me, but his actions show different. I have caught him in so many lies and he is so sneaky now. I know he is using drugs and he has gotten is several car accidents and our auto insurance got canceled. My depression is so bad and I am in such a dark place. My son is almost 18 and the only one I am concered about is our puppy and who will take care of her. I know it will hurt my dad, but I have decided to kill myself. I just cant take losing the love of my life and my best friend. The pain is too great.

    1. Dear L
      It is NEVER a good idea to kill one’s self because the person who takes their own life is undermining all their future opportunities and possible relief, through self-effort, from their suffering. If it were not for great challenges none of us would grow psychologically or spiritually, so the right attitude to have about challenges is gratitude.

      The truth is that as a human being you have greater opportunities than any other living thing; but they are only opportunities. It is up to you to learn how to conquer life, and make yourself happy. Nobody can make you happy!

      Your husband is doing all kinds of wrong things, but think about how much damage he is doing to himself! You need to be as objective and loving as you can, or you will never see the way out of your pain and suffering.

      I know you can do this,and I am sure the stresses, the situation and even the medications you take are all impacting you. But it is your challenge, and you need to do the best you can…and do not be ashamed or afraid to get some help!!! There are times when we just cannot do it alone, and this sounds like one of those times for you.

  • Need advice for my daughter. She has been married 4 1/2 years, has a 1 yr old son. Her husband was diagnosed with adult ADD and takes adderall. He is in school after the Navy and works part time. He has all the classic ADD symptoms and she had a hard time adjusting at first but is trying to accept. He also has had a binge drinking problem and has ended up in the hospital because of that. He has, for years lied about how much he is drinking. He has been unfaithful and has been on dating sites a couple of different times. He says it is her that is abusing him. She is so confused. It doesn’t make any sense to her. She has not always had the best reactions to his unfaithfulness and his drinking, but I believe that is a human reaction. She is going to counseling, her counselor says she can’t believe she is still with him. She wants to have the marriage work, but he moved out- at least part time, he does help with the baby. I am worried because he tends to take adderall and drink and I am worried about him driving with my grandson. Should she continue to try? Won’t his behavior continue? He will improve for awhile and then start the same behavior over again. Should she live her whole life like this ?

    1. Dear Judy
      My heart goes out to all of you, as your situation is so very difficult, and not fixable by either you or your daughter.
      However, the drinking was part of the package your daughter married, it appears. She likely knew about the drinking before she got pregnant. She knew what she was getting into, and chose to have a child anyway. Now, no matter how you slice it, they will be together in some fashion for the rest of their lives. This is a fact! …It is also a fact that most therapists try to push fathers out of the family, “for the sake of the child”; a controversial thing to do (her therapist had no business making the comment she did-it was an overreach because your daughter went for help, not judgment about her trying to keep their family together). So, the many negatives your daughter, her husband, and your grandson face may seem insurmountable. But, still, you must try to help your daughter, and your son in law, if you can.

      My humble opinion is that you reach out to your son in law and show him love in any motherly way you can, so he has a connection to his family as he goes through his personal trials. Resolve to be there for him, without being an enabler of course. Make yourself a saint to him, but not a martyr. You know, the only reason people drink is to alter their consciousness, thus escape. If one is complete in themselves, by feeling love, there is almost no chance they would want to alter their consciousness.

      Be supportive of their keeping the family together in every way you can without being intrusive, and take care of your grandson as often as possible.

      If your daughter is open to it show her our materials,but don’t push her. Free will is key to healing ourselves, Nobody can force another to do what is best, we can only offer.

      My prayers are with you.

      1. Thank you, Mr. Friedman! my opinion of you has changed! Yes, my daughter obviously knew of the drinking problem before the baby was born. They met in college and I believe since she had gone through some tough times, she loved him and felt she could help him. She has always been the type to look out for her friends in need. He says he did think they were perfect for each other at first, but I believe the drinking, the hard Navy life for the first couple of years, the ADD and ups and downs with medication, took a toll . My daughter always said she took her marriage vows very seriously, but now after the back and forth, she is not so sure. Her biggest fear is as our grandson gets older he will see what his Daddy is doing and she doesn’t want him exposed to that. I see our grandson every week so we are very involved as are the in laws, who are wonderful people, but are so amazed that their son is doing this, they seem to ignore and try to act as if everything is normal. I, at this point, don’t now how to talk to him. You are right, I don’t want to be the martyr, but I am afraid because of my feelings on how much he has hurt our daughter, I am afraid it will come out that way. We have talked in the past, but he seems to not hear a lot of what I have tried to discuss, as his ADD gets in the way and he just blankly stares or nods his head. I am not sure how to approach him. I have always tried to let him know we love and care about him, but after his latest of getting back on dating sites and not trying after he said he needed some space to try to find his good self again, doesn’t seem to fit with his actions. How do I talk to him when he deals with ADD and has a short attention span, be motherly and help him. I am at a loss. I do think my daughter(maybe not this week, since she is still reeling from his pics on the dating site) will be open to trying.

        1. Dear Judy
          I am glad you are more open to my perspective now, because I want your daughter and son in law to have the kind of life they should have, based on what marriage is, and what it gives. I have seen some true miracles (based on what people have come to expect). I have worked with world famous couples and couples who were only able to give me a county voucher for $38, but when there are kids involved I gave it my all. The courses and books that came after have it all too, so when a wife goes for it, and uses what we teach, the failures are so rare that I cannot recall any; and I have seen much worse situations than your family is now faced with.

          But, unless your daughter 1) truly wants her family back (some subconsciously give up) and 2) finds our approach as viable, we cannot help.

          The power of the wife is missed in modern society, as women have had to fight for social equality, and then find her self while battling ignorance. But the truth is women are the dynamo of mankind because of their heart-centricity. This does not mean, in any way, to become a doormat!! But the power of love is the greatest power, and your daughter needs to understand what all that means so she can apply it.

          I continue to keep you all in my prayers.

  • I understand that she would have to be committed to the idea of saving their marriage. I will bring your program up to her. One thing I notice through your whole presentations and letters is that it is the wife that must do these things. Are you saying that in everyone one of your cases, the wife does all of the studying, learning, and changes and the husband just naturally changes and is happy with his marriage? That he will always stop his destructive behavior if the wife changes her ways and attitudes? I am just a little leary because he has even said he is not ready to change and doesn’t see the need to change?

    1. Dear Judy
      Men are limited in their perspective because of how the innate drive to survive works through the male psyche. Obviously, because there are no absolutes in the world, there are times when men step up to the plate first. But normally it is the wife who takes the lead. I have seen where it takes the husband two years to “come around”. Usually it is within months, though. I suppose it depends on the two individuals, but yes, the wife is in the drivers seat once she understands what we teach and begins to apply it.
      You are leary, and expectedly so, because there is so much misinformation at our finger tips.
      The teachings we put out are nearly pure science, and the results are very predictable. There are of course exceptions, like how bad your son in law is reduced by the drugs and alcohol, but we can be hopeful.

      The reason we guarantee our courses is because we only want success, and it can take time, so there is no 90 or 120 day guarantee…it is forever. If your daughter is drawn to use our teachings she will absolutely benefit, and hopefully to the point of healing of her husband, and family.

      I still think it is a good idea for YOU to let your son in law know you still love him, because he is driving through hell right now, and he needs love and a hand ready to lift him out, or at least encouragement to try.

  • Hi Mr Friedman, my husband & I have been married over half of our lives. We grew up together, have 3 children, two of which will be 18 soon. I’ve always trusted my husband. He’s so smooth, he truly appears to be in love with me after 25 years.

    I never dreamed for a single second he would have an affair. My curiosity was peeked after his sudden extreme interest in a form of sex, that I am not in the very least interested in. I understand that our interests change as we age. However, this was learned behavior.

    I started opening my eyes a little, but didn’t say anything. I looked through phone records & saw extremely lengthy talk times. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone, for more than a few minutes. One sign I should have caught, is how over protective he is over his phone. I snuck into his phone & looked up the numbers of suspicion. He saved text message that “appeared” business related. One was an email from the woman who is a Realtor. He has her in his phone as an employee where he works. I too found multiple adult dating sites & porn sites, which is where he claimed to have the sudden interest licking of the anal area. So gross! I’m not a prude, I’m just very disinterested in anal. I brought home sex toys & creams, oils & he didn’t appear too enthused.

    Sorry to ramble. Here is the short version. He denied, denied, denied. We are just friends. We’ve known each other for years. Later he couldn’t take the guilt & admitted, when our children were very young, they worked together & had such an attraction, they had sex in the parking lot. The most recent affair was during a time I battled cancer. I realized how short life is. I was asking him to go away with me & have a ring ceremony. He declined, but in a loving I don’t need a man to tell me I Love you, I already know.

    He lies, performs about things I don’t care about, but openly admits things that cut deep to the bone. I never needed to know he has had an on & off affair with a woman that obviously has a piece of his heart, if he’s willing to risk his family to have an affair with her, during a time we needed him most. I always thought he was the sweetest, most loyal, loving family man. Everyone is in shock. No one believes he is capable of being THAT guy. My kids want me to leave him. The twins are 17 & not quite ready to leave the house. This affair destroyed a family. My daughter doesn’t believe in marriage & my son, who gets very little attention from his Dad, overheard the fighting & knows he spent hours in a day of talk time with her & sends him an instant message he’ll call him back, but never does.

    As I’m writing all of this, I realize how ridiculous it is for me to consider staying & I kept it short. I left out that a girl I opened our home to years ago when she was down on her luck, came on to him “only twice” as if that’s ok & he (took) it. That’s his line. They threw themselves at me. & I took it. He leaves out, years later, he reaches out for more.

    If you met him & witnessed our family before the discovery, you would think I’m making it up. He is “was” literally appeared to be my biggest fan. I take pride in my appearance & look a considerable amount younger than him. Everyone says they expected out of the two of us, it would be me having affairs.

    I am having a hard time letting go & accepting my future dreams of growing old with him are destroyed.

    1. Dear Sloan
      There is so much confusion in the world about what marriage is, and why men and women act the way they do, and what one should do in this case or that. It is why I sorted universal principles into a process to help couples, and then into a first book, then a second. Your challenge is not as much with your husband as it is with understanding what the heck is going on. In other words, our books, or course, would be ideal for you. Cherry picking one or another topic for you would never do, it would only add to your confusion.

      But I will say this; if you want your marriage to work, and to have more than you even thought possible, you will almost for sure be able to have that.

  • Is there any way or circumstances that you can tell him that you know about this or better not at all? My husband did this before and then I told him then he stopped now I see him up there again but I didn’t say anything yet. We are only married for a year. I’m 29 and he is 34. There is a lot of stress we both going thought right now because of other things but we love each other which I’m sure about. I’m just trying to understand what should I do or not.Thank you

    1. Dear Lara,
      I would describe your situation as needing more than a bandaid. The problem, which is what I discovered to be “The” problem when I began my search for marital answers is that you and your husband do not really know how to be married…That may sound crazy, but if you wanted to succeed at anything other than marriage you would find science based information to prepare, so you would be successful. But that is not easy to find for marriage. It is mostly random ideas, or spiritual ideals, which are not so easy to follow.

      Your husband is hooked on porn because of many factors, but if you knew how to be there for him he would be able to disengage from this terrible addiction; as that is what it becomes for men.

      I am glad that your love is true, that you do not condemn him. That is the right way. Perhaps our teaching can help you. I think they can.

  • Paul, my problem might be a little different. I DO NOT love my husband to begin with. He loved me at the beginning and we felt comfortable being with him, so we got married. Now we have a 2 year old daughter. I want to save the marriage for two reasons 1)Security is more important to me than love. 2) we have a young child. I can tolerate him chatting and meeting with other women (because I don’t love him). We run a business together, so we are more than business partners during the day, and roommates at night. We have sex once a month. Till today, I know he still loves me and I will never “develop love” under current circumstances. (Chatting and Dating). My questions is: do I want to be in this kind of marriage for the rest of my life? Plus, I am a extreme give and take person (based on fairness) in nature.

    1. Dear Tina
      I appreciate your candor, and I will be candid with you, too.
      Your use of the word love is based on emotions, and is therefore limited. There is real love, which is spiritual in nature. It is, in fact, “what” you are. But for reasons neither of us could ever discover (and it would be a waste to try) your not connected to your heart. Because of this lack of connection, and from what you write you have never loved your husband, it would be wise to practice techniques that allow you to “feel” love, and through your husband.

      Obviously what you present is so loaded, on so many levels, so let me highlight the important considerations, with as much priority as I can attempt.

      1) Your daughter will do very poorly if you end your marriage.
      2) Your daughter will be blocked from her heart,like you, if you ignore your work; to connect.
      3) You are an easy target for heavy drug or alcohol use because the mind cannot handle not feeling love.

      I suggest our book, over our course, to begin with. Then, if you do not “see” what I am talking about, take the course, so you can reach out to us, so we can help you.

      As a woman you are born to love…Don’t give up! There are possibilities for you that you cannot presently imagine.

  • I just recently found out 4 days ago that my husband was on a couple of dating sites for locals to meet. I was very hurt when I found them and did confront him about it but not in any aggressive way. I brought it up during one of our video chats because right now he is deployed. I said “hey I found out that you are on this and this site (with photo evidence). I’m very hurt.” He apologized and said he was stupid and should have never done those things. I told him in a loving way that I believed he was sorry and has regrets but the trust was no longer there. I ended the video chat because I had nothing else left to say. Moments later he texts me photos of him deleting all of his accounts and says that he loves me and he will not let his mistake destroy our marriage. I appreciate his immediate efforts but after that, he continues to ask if he has gained any of my trust back every single day, and every day I say no. He expects this to be a quick fix and this is where things get far more worse. I told him that there isn’t much we can do until he comes back home in 4 months but he is nervous I will not be around by that time and I can’t promise that I will be. I’m at a lost here. all he has done is shown photos of deleting the dating sites, but he could possibly have a woman there at this deployed location and I wouldn’t be the wiser.

    1. Dear Silvia
      I am glad you sent this because your marriage should not be lost because of this mishap.

      It is very rough, discovering your husband was not loyal, and I am sure you feel like it is the end, and there are a lot of people who would agree with you, and what you did. But there is another way to look at it, and another way to look at him.

      Men are not women, and when it comes to sex men are simply not connected to their heart. They are driven by their procreative drive to be lustful, and it is only a loyal and tender wife who can give her husband the insight you take for granted.

      I suggest the following
      1. Determine to put off leaving him until you have the chance to work on this in person.
      2. Tell him you still love him, but you must work through this, and see if you are able to get past this
      3. Read our book, so you have a better understanding of who and what both of you are (you will be surprised)
      4. If you have children, forget about leaving him, and definitely get our help to put this behind you.

      I am always saddened by the things people do to each other, the ones they love. But usually the offender needs compassion and love to realize the truth behind marital vows.

  • This site has obviously been set up for Stepford wives!!!! Can’t believe women are blaming themselves and trying to be more loving and attentive towards their absolute waster husbands. This site is dangerous and shouldn’t encourage women who obviously already suffer from low self esteem to blame themselves for their dispicable husbands vile behaviour!

  • Hi, recently I found my husband on a “dating” app. It was so strange to me, because he was using a fake name and he was talking to other women, but none of what he was saying was true. There was nothing dirty in the conversations, it really did appear to be just chatting. But he did tell one girl she was better looking than he was. Just a little background info and now back to the point. Before we met he was on multiple sites, we actually met on a dating site. I did not confront him. Instead I told him I was going to get on some sites to meet some new friends, basically I was being sneaky. I then signed up on the site that he was on, not exactly a dating site it’s a site to “meet, chat and make friends”. When I did this he said what site is it? I said the name, then after a few minutes he said he had to go to the bathroom and I checked and he was no longer on this site. I then told him I was deleting the site because it’s not a friend’s site, it’s a dating app. I haven’t mentioned it like I said, I’ve just been trying to be happier with him. I want to plan and do some special things for us. I’m so confused because we seem happy. He seems happy. He is very affectionate to me and he treats me well, he never goes out unless I’m with him so I don’t think he’d actually physically cheat on me. By that I mean have sex with someone. He has had a couple of bad marriages in the past, and they had cheated on him while he was deployed, and I’m wondering why he would be doing this? I will be continuing the advice of not confronting him and just trying to be a good wife and I want my marriage to last! But from a mans prespective, what does this mean? What should I continue to do?

    1. Dear Ashley
      You are smart to continue to be a good wife, despite his mistakes. After all, why would you want to lower yourself. or confront, and put him into a defensive posture.
      I do not condone his behaviors, but the advice that some experts give, to confront, and somehow get him to come around is dangerous.
      Marriage is not so simple. It is as complex as two individuals, combined. But it can be made more simple by having a vision of what marriage is ; the vision, goals, and steps to achieve them.
      Have you read our book? Based on your current situation, and the realities of your husband being “addicted” to the chase, your efforts will need to be combined with unending compassion and understanding.
      We also just launched updated courses, and our active military discount will make it easier for you…but that is not posted yet, so you would need to request from our support dept.
      Glad to hear from you, and stay strong.

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