1. "Did you eat? Are you hungry? Did you want two bagels stacked with spreads on spreads on spreads," my mom will ask you when you visit. And twenty minutes after you've walked in. And again an hour later. The correct answer is always "yes" and the correct follow-up question is "This must be your mother's recipe, right?"
2. You call that thing from the supermarket a bagel? More like a nay-gel. Not sorry. A bagel is an experience. A privilege. Your scooped-out bread ball with low-fat cream cheese is offensive to me. Please know I'm going to bitch my way through anything that's not large and smelly in the best way possible.
3. She's not fuxing around with kugel. Or brisket. Or latkes or matzo ball soup. Jewish food is delicious when done right and, again, by "right" I mean exactly the way it was prepared for me each holiday growing up. I'm big on tradition. And food. I take these things seriously.
4. She wants to talk to her mom that much. You might not want to talk to my mom that much, but if you want to ride with me, you're going to have to. Jewish girls love their mothers. Mothers are their families. Families are really important to Jewish people, they just are.
5. Even if you never met before you started dating, she probably knows at least two people in your life. It's called Jewish geography and it's the world's greatest ice breaker. It's a result of years of killing it on the bar mitzvah, camp, and college circuits. You wanna party but won't know anyone there? Worried about your potentially awkward upcoming work dinner? Bring me along. I gotchu.
6. Your camp was probably great and all but it wasn't nearly as great as her camp. Seriously, there was never a better summer on the planet than Lake Year '07 with my 36 best friends. Though you may be astounded by how many ways things that happened this year can be related back to the summer of 2007, remember my fondness for camp is rooted in my unbreakable fondness for tradition and my love of all things family.
7. …And your trip to Israel was probably great too but it wasn't as great as her Birthright trip. See above. It's just a Jewish thing. Let it happen.
8. There's a big difference between cheap and frugal, bro. And if you want to make jokes about how Jews are cheap, (1) I'm going to assume you're kind of an asshat who laughs at all kinds of rude things and (2) you're not the kind of person I want to date anyway.
9. And there's a major red line you cross when you call someone a JAP. Not only will I assume you're an asshat, I'm going to think you're an uneducated one too. Consider this your friendly reminder to not call people things if you don't really know what they mean.
10. It's best to let her schvitz and kvetch in peace. It's in my nature to react to things largely and loudly and with lots of emotion. If you can't handle me at my mild mishegas, you don't deserve me at my best kvelling … schmuck.
11. Literally it is her duty to be a good person. You know when you go out of your way to recycle and do good other things and you're like damn, I did a good thing for humanity today? What you did is called a mitzvah and Jews are commanded to do them by the Torah. The whole mitzvah thing becomes ingrained in you, giving you a conscience, integrity, etc., etc. All things people typically look for in a partner.
12. It's literally also her duty to have a good time. Again, the Torah commands it. I have to drink lots of wine at holiday dinners. I am supposed to have great, super-fulfilling sex. It is my job as a Jew to live life to the fullest in all ways and I take that responsibility very seriously, man.
13. She is fiercely fucking loyal. Maybe it's the fact I've had someone call me something terrible because of my religion in the past or maybe it is just what I've been taught from a young age, but when I have my people, I'm with them for good. It's this loyalty that makes me an incredible friend and an incredibly solid partner. I feel like I have to end this with a "l'chaim," so … L'chaim!
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