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I have a number of friends in the Black community who have made similar laments: Black women who are disturbed by the number of Black men who categorically refuse to date Black women. Interestingly enough, the ratio of black-man/white-woman marriages compared to black-woman/white-man (according to the US Census) is around 72/28 - which is very close to the Asian woman/white man ratio compared to Asian man/white woman.

Steve Sailer made an excellent point in his 1997 essay "Is Love Colorblind?"
http://www.isteve.com/IsLoveColo...

A few salient points broken down into two categories: 

1. Biological/Physiological/Hormonal

Testosterone levels are, on average, (like melanin) measurably different across races - specifically, Black > White > Asian.

What does this mean? It's not just "perceived" masculinity ... on average blacks men actually carry more testosterone than whites, who have more than Asians (Indeed, forensic pathologists can correctly identify the race of a victim corpse without a scrap of skin/flesh, just by observing bone structure and how it was shaped by the influence of testosterone).

Testosterone is what morphs the faces of boys into men - adult men with the medical condition of testosterone deficiency (Hypogonadism) have slight builds, undefined brows and some of the other physical deficiencies that the OP paints "all" Asian men.

In a mixed-race society, this testosterone differential advantages some race/gender demographics, and disadvantages others. Being more muscular and being more "manly" benefits males obviously, but is a detriment to hetero women. All else being equal, more testosterone mean a 50th percentile black man looks like a 60th percentile man to a white woman. a 50th percentile white man looks like a 60th percentile man to a Asian woman.

Thus, the mediocre/average (50th percentile) white man looks above-average to mediocre/average (50th percentile) Asian woman, who in turn looks above-average to the mediocre/average white man. This (in my opinion) contributes significantly to the prevalence of the WMAF pairings.

The reverse dynamic is at play in the black/white community - black women carry more testosterone than their white/asian counterparts and appear more "manly" (read: less feminine) by way of comparison so they, like Asian men, are on the statistical short end of the dating pool. The marriage disparity rate tilts about 80/20 in favor of BM+WF pairings.

While the sociological issues are certainly valid (we'll get to those in a moment) the racial differential of testosterone levels means that skewed interracial pairings (in the pattern we've observed so far) is an inevitable part of a mixed-race society. Even if every bit of auto-racism and social perception biases were eradicated, BM/WF, WM/AF pairings would  outnumber their BF/WM, WF/AM counterparts. And BM/AF relationships would FAR outnumber BW/AM couples for above stated reasons.


2. Sociological/Cultural Issues

A few others have made observations that echo my own observations:
  • Aggression/Outgoingness/Athletics - In college, I was usually the one Asian person in most of my activities/clubs I was participating in (rowing/crew, gun & trap shooting club, newspaper opinion column). I took a lot of initiative and I noticed that gave me a significant advantage dating-wise compared to my more introverted Asian friends (who gravitated toward more clubs/organizations that were predominantly Asian-American and did not participate in varsity-level intercollegiate sports). Many of the girlfriends I had during college were white or hapa - and I think a big part was my taking the initiative to engage in activities that were not stereotypically populated by Asian-Americans.
  • Asian Acculturation/Upbringing - Immigrant Asian-American culture tends to view relationships as an afterthought - the prevailing wisdom is that if you get good grades, get into a good school and land a well-paying job, the relationship stuff takes care of itself (since that's how it worked for our parents). In a culture where everyone else acts on that belief system, it works ... in China/Korean/Japan, it is common for adult men making excellent wages to still live with their parents and remain virgins and suffer little stigma. In the U.S. adult men who spent their youth pursuing advanced degrees but have minimal relationship experience and live with their parents are harshly judged in the dating market; decent, thoughtful and honorable guys are ignored/passed over by the American dating market because of these "deficiencies." Fashion sense, ability to flirt, social dominance are things that are more part of the adolescence of American culture so immigrant men who don't have that background are at a disadvantage in a mixed-race dating market, where, like the testosterone-level issues discussed above, means that the mediocre/average average asian men appear decided *below* average by comparison to their nonasian peers.
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Here are some reasons why I like the stereotype:

  1. If you assume that all Asian girls are predisposed to date white guys, you're validated against a harder dating criteria when you do date an Asian girl. You can pat yourself on the back for being a more capable at dating, if you're into that.
  2. If you assume some but not all Asian women do exclusively want to date white guys, and that many white guys hit on Asian women, you might believe some Asian women are totally turned off from white guys. Posts about Free premium dating websites uk no fees and all that. This means that, as an Asian male, you should be better off when trying to date some Asian women.
  3. Finally, if you assume that it's not true but a widely accepted stereotype and that Asian guys are discouraged from going after Asian women because of it, then you have less competition for Asian women.

I'm not certain this happens as widely as some believe, since I've never once been turned down because of my race (though plenty of times for other reasons). Furthermore, in my life through Houston/NYC/North Carolina/the Bay Area and SF so far, almost all the Asian girls in relationships that I've known are partnered with Asian males. I can only name 2 or 3 Asian female friends that are dating white males. I don't know how my experience differs so much from some of the other posters - selective memory?

I've been fortunate enough to date several Asian and white women, all very intelligent and attractive, despite the fact that I'm an extremely introverted nerdy programmer and when smiling my eyes take on single digit pixel counts (take a look at my profile pic). Race never entered the equation, though often it would become an interesting conversation topic. Twice I've been told by the girl that I am the first Asian male in her dating history, but further digging always ends up showing that there just weren't as many compatible Asian males in her life up until she met me.

Dating perceptions are self-fulfilling prophecies. If you feel and agonize over the fact that that Asian men can't get with Asian women, you'll exhibit more nervousness, bitterness, and anger when interacting with Asian women you're attracted to. Not the best way to attract them.

So what do you do now if you do feel that way? Fake it 'til you make it - pretend really hard that your race doesn't matter when interacting with women, and eventually it'll be true. If you're still rejected, face facts squarely - are you really being turned down because of your race? Or is it more probable that you just don't know what you're doing when approaching women? Unless you're some crazy pickup master you're probably falling on some other sword...

The best and most successful outlook is to be proud of being an Asian male. Preen about your nerdy accomplishments, your extremely hard working parents, your amazingly deep cultural history, and the deep sense of family that might be yours. Within reason, of course. Much better than hating on your race (and therefore hers).
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(In response to other people in this thread who said that Asian men felt frustrated/emasculated)


I get you're frustrated and the other guys on this thread might flame me for this, but... speak for yourself and not all Asian males.

I don't find it frustrating or emasculating, normally. I don't find these "pity parties" that useful. But then again I've been involved with women from many countries (1) and are able to regularly experience attraction from women of different races, including white and Asian...


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I used to be frustrated too, I really did, but it changed for me when I started thinking about it less of as a racial issue (where the locus of control was outside of me - can't change my race), and one more about personal traits.

I can work on my personal traits.

  • I can work on my looks. Sorry but the sexist idea that only women need to take care of their appearance, and that men somehow can attract beautiful women without putting effort in their looks themselves, is holding YOU back and preventing you from your ideal dating situation. But I can do something about this. I can work out, dress with clothes that fit better, get a good haircut and style my hair every day in order to look better. (Doesn't have to cost much or take much time everyday once you get used to it. I spend maybe 10 min/day getting ready, and shop for clothes maybe 2x/yr.)
  • I can work on how interesting I am and the conversation/mental assets I bring to the table. I can travel, read voraciously, indulge hobbies old and new, trying things outside of my comfort zone, talk to very different people and learn from different perspectives, and pursue interesting life experiences... to become more interesting.
  • I want a woman who's not only gorgeous, but also has her shit together. Just like me, many women were more attracted to me once I started bringing my own life together. I can boldly pursue my dreams, start companies and follow up on academic/professional pursuits, work on community engagement and advocacy projects, and engage in all the things I want to do in life to become more together.
  • You don't want to date a woman who's a simpering dishrag and isn't confident enough to string a few words together without looking around shiftily. Women are just the same, and don't want to date men who... Get the picture? So to be a more social, confident person, I can practice talking to people and being more relaxed to get over social anxiety and learn to connect and get along with all sorts of people, across race, background, sexuality, wealth, religion, age etc.
  • I can smile and laugh more, become kinder and more helpful, and become interested in others to have better personality.
  • I can flirt more, get in touch with my sexuality, and be completely unapologetic about my sexual attraction and needs to become more sexually attractive. The thing is.... consent... well, check this out: My free dating sites in usa without payment (NSFW)

So see, these are all things I can do.

Things changed for me once I stopped feeling sorry for myself (about things outside of my control) and worked on myself (on things that WERE within my control). If every Asian male who is feeling sorry for himself about his racial lot in life - if every single despairing Asian male poster on this thread, plus all the silent readers who are nodding their heads in agreement lurking in front of their computer screens - were to change themselves into attractive, sexy, interesting, strong, smart, kind men, the perception that Asian males are unattractive and weak would disappear within half a generation.

If anything, more women, of all races, would begin dating Asian men, and you've give me more competition.

But this societal shift requires all the frustrated Asian men to take action on things within their control.

^This is you, leveling up and going Super Saiyan on your life.

Are you doing that?

For me, this has worked extremely well. I receive much more attention from women of different races, but also, importantly, let go of a lot of my old frustration and anger - which if I were honest were just angry reactions to having my needs denied, being sexually and romantically unfulfilled. Well no fucking shit - before, I had put almost zero effort and thought in being attractive and getting my life together. A few women had expressed interest in me before but they were outliers. Since seeing the issue as more about personal traits and working to change them, I have had flings and relationships with many women, and many women are attracted to me. If it worked for me, a pretty average smart/nerdy East Asian dude, it will probably work for you too.

- - - - - - - - - -
Note: In America, especially in the South, you will definitely meet racists. Even in the most liberal, cosmopolitan parts of the country you will meet women whose reactions to you are micro-aggressions, who make certain assumptions about you literally only based on your race, no matter how hot or strong or successful or interesting or friendly you appear/are. Luckily, these women are in the minority. Conversely, there are many, many very attractive, interesting, smart women who are not racists and do not use race as a brightline for dating. You can ignore the former group and happily accept attention, conversation, and more from the latter group. :)

Secret tip: Something I realized about my race that actually worked in my favor dating was that because Asians were perceived as more innocuous and harmless, I found that if I just smiled I was able to talk to girls more often since they didn't perceive me as a threat. Many women automatically assume most strange men nearby are creepy, but I was often give a free pass. If they knew that I was a competitive fighter, I wonder if they'd still view me as harmless.



Here are the next steps for you to think about:

  • Figure out how to have the discipline to work on yourself - these things all come from long-term habits, not short-term tricks
  • Travel. I did it on an extreme budget and have been to dozens of countries. For the majority of you reading this, you have the resources to and are able to do this too.
  • Read stuff by Politics and online dating profile generator funny on sex. Read stuff on emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Read stuff by men (such as Rules for dating my daughters t shirt) on being comfortable with your masculinity and sexuality and expressing it healthily with women, even women who you've just met who you are into.
  • Groom yourself better. Sometimes that means signing up for a personal trainer or really tough group exercise classes to kick your ass, if you can't get onto a rigorous sports team. Also it means figuring out how to dress well (fit is key - e.g. check out Russian dating sites in ukraine that is free their old lookbook tutorial series).    
  • Professional - figure out how to indulge your dream hobbies and goals. For some that means academic degrees; others, their own startup (e.g. read everything else on Quora). Some might seek a steady paycheck or the prestige of a brand-name workplace. Do it!
  • Get your head sorted out. Read everything written by Songs about dating someone with a girlfriend. You undoubtedly have unhealthy psychological dynamics and patterns stemming from childhood, especially if you're Chinese or Korean first/second generation. Fix them.

Do all this, work on the traits that you have control over, and you'll stop the self-pity and self-loathing that you're undoubtedly mired in. And share this with your friends so you can work on your lives together - some of my female friends say that we could use more hot Asian guys in the world! ;)

(1) Korean, Chinese/Taiwanese, Japanese, American, Canadian, Russian, Swedish, and Australian women. Sorry I'm a douchebag for listing this out.

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******************** Edit to the Original Answer ********************

I'm, clearly, not an Asian male, but I do have an anecdote that is relevant to this thread.

Quite a few years ago, I remember an Asian friend of mine relaying the experience of seeing the film, Romeo Must Die, with two other Asian males. It wasn't a great film, but the badness of it all was punctuated by the fact that the lead actor (Jet Li) never once shared a kiss with his costarring actress (deceased R&B singer Aaliyah).

Afterwards, I watched the film myself and was surprised to see that he was correct; they never shared anything beyond a hug during the entire movie. I also began to realize that, aside from the film The Lovers, I had never seen an Asian male playing a romantic lead - they only seemed to be action heroes.

That led to a conversation about how Asian males appear to be desexualized in the United States (I can't speak on other cultures).

It was an awkward conversation because, at that time, I was dating an Asian woman. It made me realize that, aside from the Asians deeply enmeshed within a certain Asian community, every Asian female I knew dated anyone else BUT an Asian male.

I got an earful of this problem and it hit home because it introduced a cultural bias that I was not aware existed. I personally felt as if they had charmed lives because they did not have to deal with people thinking the worst of them the very minute that they lay eyes upon them.

The truth is that I was very envious of them. I believed that it had to be magnificent for people to assume that you were intelligent and law-abiding despite not having been debriefed of your personal history. I never knew of a time where they felt the weight of having to try and restructure a first impression so that people would be at ease with their presence and would stop questioning whether they belonged in the space they were occupying. This is the standard order of business for Black Americans (especially young people) when we enter a high-end store, a luxury hotel, or a highbrow restaurant.

Though we all dressed similarly, no one would misconstrue their fitted ball caps, baggy jeans and large t-shirts for anything more than a personal fashion statement.

However, I learned that just because you're not dealing with one set of negative perceptions doesn't mean that there aren't others to haunt your life. Some people perceived them to be “poseurs” because of their clothing. Nothing could be further from the truth; two of them were far more “street” than I would ever be. Some people thought they would be pushovers. Many assumed that they were great at math. They were bright, but none of them were like the Asians who are constantly contrasted against other minorities to castigate them for not achieving the same types of financial successes. They didn’t all have perfect families and they knew about crime and a couple of them knew about crime and consequences in a way I have never known.

They were just some American kids, just like me. If there is anything to take away from this, I wish that people could take a minute to check their perceptions, learn some history to get some context, and stop believing that it’s okay to leave people in boxes because of their appearance or names.

On a closing note, I had been a witness to an encounter one of them had at a fast food restaurant where it was clear that the antagonist was convinced that my Asian friend would be a patsy in a fight. However, he added that he may stand a chance if he was to "use his Karate". My friend is Laotian.

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It's frustrating and emasculating for Asian males. It's much easier for a White male to date an Asian female, than for an Asian male to date a White female. According to OkCupid, white females are 38% more likely to respond to a White male than an Asian male. Asian women marry outside the race at twice the rate of Asian men. The statistics for White-Asian interracial marriages in the San Francisco Bay Area are even more extreme - something like a 4 to 1 ratio for White males versus Asian males.


(Source: OkCupid - )

(Source: Pew Research Center - )

As a result, the odds are against Asian males romantically. Not only are there fewer possible marriage prospects due to Asian women marrying outside the race, but trying to do likewise (date White females) is an uphill battle for Asian males.

My experience as an Asian male bears this out. Once in a while, when meeting new people, I'll be surprised and taken aback by how friendly a lady is to me. Upon reflection, I realize what made the interaction surprising is that the lady is White. Later I'll usually discover the White female is in or has had some earlier romantic relationship with a non-White male. Given the prior stats, you can see how this is unusual.

When the majority of one's interactions with members of the opposite sex are devoid of romantic possibility, it's easy to internalize the perception that one is not sexually attractive. Furthermore, mainstream media gives Asian males few role models to emulate in social and romantic situations. Kung fu moves don't count. This is emasculating for Asian males. It can breed bitterness and frustration - accusations that Asian women are betraying the race, and racial epithets in their direction like 'banana' - yellow on the outside but white on the inside.

All is not doom and gloom for Asian males though. I'm rooting for John Cho in the new ABC sitcom 'Selfie'. This is a breakthrough role for an Asian male, and I believe indicative of a shift in societal perceptions, even if the ratings for the show are challenged. In recent years I have been noticing an increase in the number of younger Asian male-White female couples, as well as non-traditional interracial couples of all combinations. This will help balance the dating situation and move us towards that promised post-racial society.
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